My Journel

*•|~{Entry 1}~|•*

Well, this is just a day of getting 12 years of shutting up and bottling it all in out.

Let's start with 5 reasons why I hate myself:
• I'm loud
• I'm annoying
• I'm bland
• I'm ugly
• I lose my temper

5 reasons why I want to die:
• It would make so many people happier
• I could leave all this SHIT we call life
• I would be able to just, not worry about anything
• No one really likes me
• I'm a bitch

My deepest secret (I've told no one):
My mom and dad are technically registered child abusers.  We were hoarders so our house was filthy, like, beyond belief filthy.  Trash everywhere, never clean, you could only see the floor in a few places.  We are living in my Grandma and Grandpa's house right now.  I just want to go home.  We were happy.  Mom and dad and I could say and do whatever at home, but we have to be these silent, perfect people for my Gma and Gpa and we can never stand up for ourselves in fear of being kicked out.  We left once.  We spent the weekend in hotels.  We came back and pretended it was normal.  I cried in bed for awhile after that.  I just want to go home.  Not to Grandma and Grandpa home, but to my real home.

My fears:
•People finding out my secret and leaving me
•People thinking I'm too annoying and leaving
•My loves ones dying
•My best friend hating me
•Thunder and lightning
•Spiders
•My dolls coming alive and murdering me
•My thoughts (sometimes)

Random:
I want to cut.  Like, not KMS cut, but just to feel it once and see the blood, but every opportunity I have I've talked myself out of it.  I just need someone other than my mom to cuddle me and tell em I'm loved.  I just need some one to see I've fallen in this hole and instead of calling someone to help, to just reach down and offer me a hand to get out.

That's it for today.
Don't die,
WDIL