" He was something solid to lean against "
I knew he was suffering and yearning for me, and it made me feel glorious. Wanted.
I didn't feel bad for making him suffer is what I tried to tell myself. I know that I should, but I couldn't feel anything anymore. For some odd reason, I find it hard to care for people or how they think. I used to feel love for him.
It's always been a bad thing of mine that I've had, and I knew it was terrible, but as much as I tried, I couldn't bring myself to change.
The only person I could ever honestly care for would be my brother. He was something solid to lean against but he's dead. My mother would always be the first, but she's dead.
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I always yearned for something that I couldn't seem to grasp. I wanted a quiet life somewhere far away from people living in a minimalistic and dark luxurious home. Then I changed my mind, and I wanted to live in a small adorable home with the sun peeking through every window and grow a family.
That didn't end up happening, of course.
I ended up in the city with a guy that loved me too much. I couldn't breathe, and I felt like I was suffocating. I couldn't understand why all of a sudden I couldn't accept all his love. When I was younger, that was all that I wanted. Now that I have It, I don't seem to want it anymore.
I loved Delano. I honestly did with all my heart. He wanted me to love him the way that he wanted to be loved. I tried.
I couldn't drop everything for him in a heartbeat, even if that's what he wanted.
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- G
