A Hard day's night

Into The Night/Joe's P.O.V.

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!--- PHYSICAL AND SEXUAL ABUSE,CAR CRASH DEATH MENTIONED         

stay safe my loves

          ~<3  NBK

................................................................................................................................................................

He lay atop me, his lips locked with mine as we lay half dressed on the twin bed in my cheap one bed, one bath apartment. I can't help but think of how gentle he is, compared to him.

Maybe it was a bad idea to welcome him back into my mind. Maybe I should have actually gone to therapy, like Gwilym had suggested. At this point Gwilym was the only other person to know about it, and I suddenly begin to regret keeping it that way for so long.

Maybe we should stop before things get too heavy. I don't want him to be disappointed in how the night ends up.

Something I hadn't considered before now rang throughout my head.

I haven't done this since he... I don't think I'm ready to...

Before I can properly react to these revelations, he begins to trail soft kisses down my jaw and slowly puts his thumb under the waistband of my jeans.

Maybe I thought of that too late.

I start to feel a heavy weight on my chest that won't go away, no matter how many times I tell myself it isn't him.

It's getting hard to breathe.

Before I have time to register how I got there, I'm curled into a ball against the wall furthest from the bathroom door as hot tears snake their way down my face.

I hear a soft knock at the bathroom door, and regret the fact that it doesn't have locks before I even remember that it's Ben and not him.

He didn't ever knock.

"Jo-Joey? Can I come in?", he asks softly. I whimper a weak affirmation, but a moment later assume he hasn't heard it.

"J-Joey?", he asks again, and his voice told me he was on the verge of tears,"can you do me a favor? Can you- can you knock on whatever's nearest twice if I can come in? If- if you want me to go away I can do that, too."

I hesitate. If I let him in, he might push me to explain, but he sounds like he's in so much pain. I start to hear footsteps walking away. I try to take a deep breath. Now or never, I tell myself, before knocking twice loudly on the floor. 

The footsteps pause.

I see the doorknob twist slowly, and suddenly I'm back in my old apartment and it's him trying to get in and he won't stop. I suddenly can't breathe again.

The door is open now, and Ben starts to rush towards me.

I flinch further against the wall.

He stops abruptly.

I can see the moon reflecting in his eyes from the window above me. It's strangely calming, the moon in his green eyes. Unlike his, which were brown and dark.

He bends his knees slightly and holds his hands with the palms facing me and his fingers pointing down, like I'm a cornered puppy.

If I'm being honest, that's kind of what I feel like.

He slowly kneels in front of me, trying to maintain eye contact while talking softly.

"I'm sorry if I came on a bit there. I want you to know I don't expect you to do anything you don't want to, alright?" he says with a steady tone. "I'm really sorry if I made you upset."

I shake my head slightly, and take a deep breath inward before I try to explain.

"No it-it wasn't anything y-you did," I manage to stammer out. "It's-it's kind of a long story, actually."

"I've got time to listen, if that's something you'd like to share." was the response, in the same steady voice as before.

"I-so when I first moved here, I couldn't afford much of anything, so I had found a roommate. I-I'd rather not say his name. He was nice and neat and organized, which are good roommate qualities to me. Anyway, he had waited the two weeks that would legally make him a permanent resident of the apartment, and he knew I didn't have the money to try and evict or to move, so he um..." I trailed off. I take a moment to try and regain my breath. After a few deep breaths and a reassuring squeeze of my hand from Ben, I felt okay enough to continue.

"He st-started beat- He started to h-hit me. And-and then I thi-think he go-got something from i-it, so he-he started to-um...h-he st-started t-to..." At this point I was shaking and rocking back and forth as more tears flooded my eyes. I tried to wipe them with the back of my hand, but they kept coming. I eventually gave up.

Ben started to rub circles on my back. It helped a good bit. I turned my head to look at him as he began to speak in that same, soothing tone.

"You don't have to say it if you don't want to. I think I understand the last bit. Will you be alright if I say what I think he did, just to confirm?"

I nod my head slowly. He slightly nods and takes a deep breath.

"Did-did he-did he rape you?" he said slowly, struggling to maintain eye contact as I flinch slightly at the word.

I nod slowly again, more tears threatening to spill. I open my arms for a hug, he obliges, and I sob into his shoulder. He continues rubbing circles into my back, but this time couples it with reassurances that he can't get me, and that he'll protect me from him.

I pull back from him, attempt to wipe some tears away, and smile sadly at Ben.

"I-I know  he can't h-hurt me. He's dead."

Ben looks at me in mild shock and slowly starts to ask.

"do you know how?"

I look down at the floor.

"Car crash. Was drunk and trying to text. Ran himself off the ramp on I-85. No one else was hurt."

He was silent for a moment, before muttering "oh."

It was then that I realized how tired I was, struggling to keep my eyes open. 

I guess emotions can wear you out pretty fast.

Ben looked down at the floor for another couple moments before looking back at me. 

"I-I don't want you to feel like I'm forcing you to do anything, okay? I-if I'm doing something you don't like, I want you to be able to tell me that. And I want you to know that if you need any help, I'm here for you. I can't stand for you to be hurting, and I want to make you comfortable enough to talk to me about this." He paused for a moment, then whispered, "I want you to feel safe..."

I smiled softly, wrapped my arms around him, and placed my head on his shoulder.

"I already do"

................................................................................................................................................................ Whooooooooomp 1,130 words w/o author's note!!!!

First ?posted? fic in years and I feel like I've improved a lot.

Tell me what you think and put up any au's you might want!

                        Stay Safe, Loves

                                               ~<3 NBK