Social Darwinism

Sarah Ronald, exhausted from a double shift, put her green blouse into the washing machine. She poured her Clorox Bleach in and washed the garment. 30 minutes later she mindlessly threw the blouse into the dryer and set it for 50 minutes. Sarah promptly fell asleep, looking forward to her job interview for the next day. When she awoke 9 hours later, she was frantic as she knew she was going to be late for her job interview at the High Powered Business Person's Business. She grabbed the blouse, the faint light barely spilling in from her cracked apartment windows and began to iron. The shirt exploded, engulfing her in flames. The flames quickly spread to the rest of her apartment building. 45 innocents perished because the tag that read "Do Not Bleach, Do not Machine Dry, Do Not Iron" was not on her brand new blouse.

Jonathan Belotti had just laid down in his bed, ready to enjoy his brand new mattress. He had gotten the mattress from Steve's Wholesale Bedding just down the street only today. But what he didn't know, because the warning label was removed, was that Steve's Wholesale Bedding had gotten the mattress from a factory in Columbus, Ohio that had used other dirty recycled mattresses to make this new mattress. The bedbug attack was so fierce and unexpected that within 20 minutes only a skeleton remained of Mr. Belotti.

Jesse Holland, hearing a scream down the hall, ran to his roommates aid. Entering the room in boxers and armed with a broom he saw no one. Tracy, cowered on the floor, pointed to the ceiling where a singular brown spider posited itself smugly on the ceiling. Jesse, an avid biologist, sympathized with the spider for just being a spider and couldn't bring himself to kill it. Instead brushing it lightly with the broom causing it to fall directly into Tracy's delicate hairline. Jesse grabbed a plastic bag off the floor to contain the bug. Wrapping it around her head, Jesse thought he had succeeded. Tracy, exhausted from the ordeal, gasped for air. Sucking harder and harder, the pompous spider was inhaled straight into her esophagus causing Tracy to asphyxiate and choke until death because the tag "Danger: Suffocation" was never printed. The spider was never recovered.

Muldoon looked in his side view mirror and saw the T rex's jaws gaping. However, the view in the mirror showed the dinosaur much further behind him than he had thought. He knew that they were safe, despite the screaming of Dr. Malcolm. No one listened to Malcolm and his chaos theory because he was an insufferable bore and know it all. Muldoon breathed a sigh of relief and slowed the jeep down. It wasn't until Ellie was snatched from the passenger seat of the jeep that he realized objects in the mirror may be closer than they appear. The T-rex soon ate them all. Dr. Grant, upon learning of Ellie's death but not caring about Malcolm's, became despondent and allowed himself to be eaten as well. The dinosaurs escaped the island and invaded the mainland. No one was prepared because no one even knew that dinosaurs existed once again. New York became a dinosaur buffet.

Tommy Jenkins leaned his back against the wall at the chemical plant. He removed his hard hat and began to think of Sonya waiting for him back home. He was lost in his thoughts when he brought his lighter to his mouth, getting ready to inhale that first cigarette after a long shift. He did, then the plant exploded, releasing benzene over half of Dallas County. Half a million people either died or suffered permanent damage due to the chemical cloud. The act was incorrectly labeled a terrorist attack perpetrated by North Korea and international tensions rose. Smoking ads continued to air on television.

Jin Soo, a South Korean badass, finished welding the surplus jet engine onto the top of his used Volkswagen Beetle. He downed his beer, a Natural Light that a Texan sent him, and got into his car. When he was ready, he smiled at the small gathering of friends around him and uttered the last words anyone would ever hear him say: "Let's light this candle!" His friends were standing too close behind the jet engine and quickly caught fire. The little car took off and soon found itself airborne without any way to control it. North Korea, mistaking the car for a missile attack, fired its own missiles. However, the guidance systems were so bad, probably made at a mattress company in Columbus, Ohio, that they quickly veered off course. The dear leader was right, they had been able to make missiles that could reach any continent in the world. 45 nuclear missiles landed in Antarctica and the polar ice cap was obliterated. Within a year there was no more land for people to live on. In the beginning, billions died holding onto children's inflatable beach balls, not realizing that they aren't flotation devices.

Arthur Callahan sweated profusely before giving his opening address to the court. He had worn his best suit and was ready to represent the people well in the matter. Taking a deep breath and cracking his knuckles he approached the jury. The marble flooring was exquisite and he noticed his dapper look in his reflection. He looked up at Judge Mulberry, giving a slight wink and a nod as a thanks for the introduction. The jury were skeptical as his case had no evidence, these people were at fault for their actions and should have been wiser. Arthur could feel his collar tighten, his throat dried, and his palms began to sweat. His first big case and he was flunking. He thanked the jury and tried quickly to shuffle back to his desk. Crossing the marble floor again, he was so nervous he failed to notice the puddle of sweat that had accumulated at the center of the courtroom. Not looking, he lost his balance, tumbling over and cracking his head against the finite marble flooring. The courtroom was silent as the bailiff and other officers attempted to recover the body, they themselves slipping over each other in a pool of sweat, breaking bones and fracturing hips. Finally when the ordeal was over one of the jury, Steve Johnson, pointed out how there should have been a sign to indicate the floor was wet and unsafe. The rest of the jury wholesomely agreed, seeing this must have all been part of his method. They applauded his commitment to his work and the Darwin Act was finally repealed, saving the last of humanity from it's own ignorance. Now they could finally focus on figuring out the ongoing dinosaur attack problem.