Questions

Chapter 1.

Dreams. Dreams are the little pieces of hope that appear in your mind and give you the short release from the suffering you endure. Dreams are the thing that keeps us pushing to see what is beyond the suffering.

Dreams followed by hope is what helps us look toward the future. But what happens when you have lost all hope and the dreams disappear? How do you keep sane when you go to sleep only to wake up as if you had never closed your eyes?

I have lost the ability to dream, and hope is no longer a word in my vocabulary. I do not push toward the future, I survive in the present. I cannot escape the suffering so I learned to embrace it.

Pain is my motivation and fear is my energy. I do not wish to see others go through the torment I have endured so I embrace the pain for them. I live in fear but I do not let it control me. I decide the path I take and no one else.

One day the fear with subside and the pain will go away but today is not that day and tomorrow is a wish that will never come true so I endure.

I close my eyes for a moment and memories flood me like water from a river with no end in sight but I endure for the sake of others so they do not experience what I do.

I do this for others yet I have no connection to them and have no wish to connect. I am no angel of the light and am not the demon in the dark yet I dwell in both realms, trapped. Each side holds me, pulling from one side to the other in a tug-of-war that battles in my mind with no end in sight, yet I endure.

One day I'll rest, but today is not that day. Instead, I wake to the sound of the couple that lives above me in the small apartment that is far from soundproof.

Every night they argue about their latest problem after coming home from a taxing day at work. No matter how small the problem, their voices always reach an unreasonable level until the young man slams the door to their bedroom, ending the argument for the night.

Just like every night, they follow the same routine and the sound of the young woman's sobs fill my small apartment. The floor is not thick so the sound carries like a leaf in the wind and I hear every argument and feel sympathy for the young woman who endured the young man.

I push myself from my dirty couch that is leaning to the side and missing a few pillows that once matched the burgundy sofa. I look up to the molded ceiling as the young woman's cry's start to silence themselves before they quit altogether as she falls asleep. An unhealthy routine that the young woman endures.

I go to the small kitchenette that has long lost its life, having old equipment that does not seem to work anymore and rusted utensils hanging from the dingy and faded walls.

I open the drawer next to the rusting fridge and grab a granola bar that should make the hunger in my stomach subside until I can get more food to fill the cabinets. Though it will not be any time soon since the money in my pocket is what will pay for this months rent.

I down the small bar, having lost the ability to taste the curtain kind of food a long time ago. Having that as the only thing to eat made it become unfavorable after so long but that would not change any time soon, so yet again, I endured.

After finishing the flavorless food I turn to the small closet next to the small kitchenette and move toward the door that shields me from what it contains. I touch the brass handle of the door but hesitate to open it.

I have always followed the same routine yet something feels different. Today feels like the beginning of something new. Though it feels exciting, I have never liked change. Change never meant something good but this time feels different.

I close my eyes for a moment and black fills my field of vision. A bluebird flies toward me and I stretch my hand out to it. He takes my invitation and lands in my palm with ease but something feels different about him. He looks up to me and makes me smile when he starts chirping. It is like a song to my ears but it soon stops before he flys away.