Listen Before I Go | T.W.

I. Sorry Can't Save Me Now

The city lights flash brightly as my feet dangle from the 300 foot building with tears streaming from my eyes like a waterfall.

The pain I feel is unfathomable—completely and utterly unbearable, and I have felt this way for so long that I can no longer tolerate it.

For all of the long nights I've cried into my pillow without anyone to cling to for comfort, my heart had long grown cold as the days continued.

I'd longed for happiness since adolescence—to feel loved and secure, but instead have been stuck with nothing but dark voices convincing me that I have no reason to go on.

I can no longer hold back the breakdown I can feel creeping upon me, and as I feel me losing myself, I catch a strong pang in my heart. I can't keep living like this—so unhappily.

I've tried living for the sake of my lover, but I'm afraid I'm just not strong enough.

I remember his words so vividly—how he'd always reminded me of much he loves me, and how it could never fade—but such a life always felt a little pretentious.

Traffic below me stops, and I am able to immediately recognize that the reasoning is my mother.

She's yelling and crying for me to come down, but there's no changing my mind.

For years, I have never felt as myself.

I've tried reaching out to people only to be ignored in return, I tried taking therapy, but with the fear of only being medicated in return, it wasn't even the least bit helpful.

I've always tried my best to love myself, but such a task is impossible when there are people trying to convince you otherwise.

I clench my chest and topple over as I can no longer bear to hold in all of this suppressed pain. I let out an ear-bleeding cry—a scream that would let the world know what it's cruel ways have done to me. I wrap my arms around myself for comfort and close my eyes for peace.

Nothing can save me from myself,

Not even a single sorry.

I wipe my tears and stand to my feet, spreading my wings to fly.

All my life, I've felt as free as a bird in a birdcage—but now, I can finally feel the sweet release of freedom.

To all my friends, my family, and my lover—I wish it didn't have to end this way, but I'm not as strong as you might think I am.

I am not a fighter, and I never have been.

I love you,

and I'll miss you,

but I'm not sorry.

goodbye.