Arthur Lumley is nine years old. Not terribly aged, but he’s old enough to dislike his name intensely? Who wouldn’t hate a name like Arthur? Why couldn’t he have a name like Kyle, or Brody or even Oliver, a cool name? He was sick of the jokes directed at him because of his dumb, boring, old fogey name, which by the way is one letter short of the word fart, a name he’s called regularly. Worst of all he hated the rhyme one of his friends recited last week, ‘Art, Art blew a fart, landed in a lemon tart. Art, Art ate the tart and the fart was back in Art. The rhyme was dumb and not even funny, but its repeated recital was the last straw for Arthur.
More than anything Arthur wanted to be cool. He wanted to fit in and be like the rest of the pack in school. Problem was he was convinced that coolness would never happen to him with a name like Arthur. What to do? Arthur’s best friend was a kid named Luca. Arthur and Luca were pretty much inseparable and so Arthur decided to talk to Luca about his name problem. After school one day, whilst walking home Arthur said, “I’ve decided I need a new name. Arthur is so not cool and I hate it. What were my parents thinking when they gave me a dumb butt name like Arthur?” Luca listened as the two kept on walking. “Why don’t you just change it then? What’s the biggie?” Luca said. The two walked in silence for a few seconds then Luca stopped and said, “Arturo, change your name to Arturo. It’s sounds cool and sort of foreign but it’s still your name. What do you think?” Arthur was staring at Luca with eyes like saucers. Could this be the answer? “Cool, you are a friggin’ genius I swear. Arturo. How do you do, I’m Arturo Lumley. Awesome right? It sounds foreign like your name.” Luca’s name was Luca Smith. Luca’s parents were trendy to the max no doubt about it. His middle name was Tiberius. Really?
Arthur decided to inform his parents of the name change at dinner that night. Why wait?
“Arthur do you want more mashed potatoes?” Arthur’s mom asked. “The name is Arturo. I have changed my name to Arturo. From now on that’s my new name. Not Arthur or Art or Arty but Arturo.” Mom and Dad looked at each other then back to their son. “You most certainly will not change your name to some foreign sounding nonsense like ‘Arturo’. You were named after a long line of Arthur Lumley’s and you are lucky to have such a noble name. Lots of famous people have been named Arthur. You should be proud of your name.”
Arthur sat staring at both his parents and then said, “I hate my name, and I couldn’t care less how many famous people are named Arthur, I hate it. Who else under the age of a hundred is named Arthur, no one that’s who, unless you count the old geezer barber on Main Street? His name is Arthur and he smells like old ass.” And with that last comment Arthur left his seat and stomped to his room. His parents sat looking at each other and then his mom burst into laughter, “Arthur Smiley does smell like old ass. He should change his name to Arthur Smelly.” Both Arthur’s parents proceeded to scream with laughter, and Arthur overhearing the laughter was furious. He would never speak to them again until they acknowledged his new name and that was that.
The next morning at breakfast Arthur did not acknowledge or answer any of his mother’s questions. “Arthur do you want cereal and toast or a couple of Pop Tarts?” Nothing. Arthur got up from his seat and stuck Pop Tarts in the toaster without a word. After consuming his breakfast he walked to the door and left for school without so much as a ‘goodbye’, a ‘see ya’, or a ‘later’. His parents looked at each other and shrugged.
School was a different story. Once the word spread that Arthur was now Arturo, everything changed, well almost everything. His friends bought into the name change immediately, and some of his friends even toyed with changing their own names. More than toyed actually, they changed their names. Kyle became Kevin, Brody became Bob, and so on. The changes were very strange for Arthur. These guys had the coolest names, Brody, Kyle, those were awesome names that Arthur would have loved to have, but they wanted to change them to dull and ordinary. What was that all about?
Walking home from school that afternoon Luca said, “I’m thinking of changing my own name. How does Larry sound?” Arthur was shocked. “Are you serious? Larry, why would you want a name like Larry?”
Arthur walked away without looking back at Luca. He had to get to his room and think. Had they all gone nuts? His room was his favorite place to think and it was off limits to his folks.
Arthur flopped on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. He was now Arturo and the rest of them, them being his friends, could call themselves whatever they wanted. He lay on his bed for quite a while and then his mom came home from work and called to him. “Arthur, I’m home.”
Normally Arthur would grunt a reply, or if he felt friendly he would go down to the kitchen and say ‘hey’ to him mom face to face. Arthur sat up on his bed and rolled his eyes and mumbled to himself, “It’s Arturo. ‘Ar –Tu-Ro. Not all that hard to say.” Clearly training his parents was going to take a bit of time but it was doable, and if they continued to ignore his name change he wouldn’t ever speak to them again. His friends, another story completely. Did they really want to change their names, and why choose such lame names – ‘lame names’ good one.
Dinner was a bit of a test for Arthur. He nearly answered to ‘Arthur’ at least five items. Near the end of the meal his mom was kind of stumbling on the name Arturo. “Arturo, do you want dessert? That’s how you say it isn’t it?” She was learning and that made Arturo happy and he answered happily, “yes mom.”
After Arthur left the room his mom said, “I am not calling him Arturo anymore. It’s ridiculous.” “If we don’t, he’ll stop talking to us, for a while anyway. But fear not, I have a plan, and it’s a beauty. We’re going to change out names. No more mom and dad, or Shirley and Fred. Nope we are now called Mama and Papa or Luciano and Pasqualina. Good idea right?” “I love the idea, so ethnic and definitely different. Perhaps we could speak with an accent as well.”
And so it began. All Arthur had wanted a cooler name. Instead he got his mom and dad speaking with totally lame accents and insisting on being called mama and papa or Luciano and Pasqualina, completely weird. His friends now had ordinary names like Bob, Larry and Kevin and he had the uncool name of Arturo. Arturo Lumley hated his name.
