Vanishing Hearts

Prologue

'I watched the sky, the stars, the moon and clouds. I just let myself to feel the coldness of the night as well as the wind ripples through my clothes and raindrops touched my skin.

Pumangalumbaba ako at ipinatong ang siko sa may bintana. I didn't even move an inch and smiled when a picture of sceneries flashed on my mind. A memories that can never be forgotten and will always be remembered. I hope I can go back to that place.

After a minute or two, the smile suddenly vanished on my face. My heart started to burn and ache as if there's someone stabbing it, someone is breaking and pounding mine into pieces. In just a glimpse, the memories I captured earlier slowly crampled my heart.

Without feeling it, a hot liquid fell through my arm. I glanced at it, and again another warm liquid touched my skin. It took a seconds before I realize where it came from, that those liquids aren't came from the clouds, those liquids aren't raindrops

It was mine.

"Bakit mo sinimulan kung gusto mo din tapusin agad?" He asked me unbothered. My heart skipped a bit and I was taken a back, I wasn't expecting that kind of question from him. Una sa lahat, hindi ko naman ginusto.

Is it about 'us'? O baka naman meron pa siyang ibig sabihin?

It took a few minutes before I can answer that question, I sighed. "Siguro may mga nakitang rason kung bakit di na dapat magpatuloy?" I wasn't sure for that.

"Hindi ba pareho lang yon dito." He look up in the sky. Ako naman tumingin sa paa kong nakalublob sa swimming pool.

"Bakit ka pa nabuhay kung mamamatay din naman."

For the second time, hindi ko alam kung ano mararamdaman ko. Kahit ako laging kinukwestyon ang panginoon sa ganyang estado ng buhay. Bakit kailangang ipahiram lang ang buhay ng tao? Bakit di pwedeng hingiin na lang natin 'to at angkinin? Marami man akong tanong pero may isang bagay lang ako na sigurado.

"It's different." Bumaling ako ng tingin sa kanya ngunit umiwas din agad nang tumingin siya sakin ng may pagtataka.

"It wasn't me to decide when will I die, it was in God's will. Wala tayong choice kundi maghintay kung kailan niya tayo kukunin." I was scared. Really, really scared.

"...but it was me to decide when will I stop. It wasn't in God's will. It was me, it's my choice." Finally, I can say those words. Hindi ko alam kung tungkol ba 'to samin o hindi pero ito ang gusto kong sabihin sa kaniya. Ang dami kong gustong sabihin sa kaniya sa puntong ito, sa gabing ito. Dahil alam ko, pagkatapos ng araw na 'to o bukas, baka wala nang pagkakataon para makausap ko siya ulit.

"Wow" he uttered. He is speechless, but I'm not yet done.

"It's funny because the moment you decide to stop going, is the moment you decide to stop letting it bother you. Finally you'll realize it wasn't a big deal after all."

The truth is, I never had a choice. I never want to stop, God knows how much I want to hold your hands at this very moment and beg you to come back. But it's all over, I can't do that anymore.

I'm scared. Really, really scared.