A Fantasy Roast

Tyrion Lannister (Game of Thrones)

The Roast of Tyrion Lannister 

As seen on Fantasy Central 

April 1, 2012

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Percy: Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Fantasy Central Roasting! I'm Percy Jackson from "Percy Jackson & the Olympians" and we're coming to you live from King's Landing! (audience applauds) It's time for the roasting of the one and only Tyrion Lannister, the most popular character of "Game of Thrones"! (applause from audience as Tyrion is brought in by Carter Kane of "The Kane Chronicles" and Pippin Took of "The Lord of the Rings". He is tied up.)

Tyrion: This is unfair! I didn't agree to do this!

Percy: Life sucks. Right over there, boys! (Carter and Pippin take him to a mockup of the Iron Throne and tie him to it.) Are you guys ready to give him the roasting of a lifetime? (audience cheers) Let's get started then! (someone comes to the microphone)

Frodo: So, what do you all think of Tyrion?

Bronn: He's annoying.

Joffrey: Imp.

Catelyn: Liar.

Tywin: Ungrateful little brat!

Frodo: I see. Does anyone else have something to say about Tyrion?

Jacquel Rassenworth: Well, those are some strong words I'm hearing, but still, I'd rather be with the ugly guy than with the dreamy prince! (everyone gasps) It's not that I don't like the dreamy prince, but isn't it time that we start giving the ugly guy his dues? He should be getting all of the power and the glory AND the beautiful girl! Am I right? (several people cheer) Thank you.

Percy: Well, now that that's cleared, what do YOU think of Tyrion?

Katniss: Well, to be perfectly honest, I'd use him as a shield...(crowd boos)

Lyra: The alethiometer doesn't have anything good in his future...

Crowd: Ooooooohhhhh!

Charlie: I say Tyrion would so outsmart the Bloors and Yewbeams at every turn...

Manfred: Oh, really?

Charlie: Yes, really!

Bella: If Tyrion lived in my world, he'd outsmart the Volturi.

Aro: Hey, that's offensive!

Quil: It's the hard truth. Deal with it.

Annabeth: And if Tyrion went to Camp Half-Blood, well, Mr. D would have a fun time debating with him. (crowd laughs)

Percy: Well, so says the Anti-Potter Fantasy Club. Anyone else have something they want to add?

Sandor: To be honest, I never liked the little imp. (everyone glares at him) It's not that I want Sansa for myself (which I do), but do you seriously think that HE should be getting all the glory? I've been doing glorious things while he was still in diapers!

Gregor: It's true.

Jaime: They say that Tyrion is Tywin's son and not me. But not to be mean or anything like that, but I think the opposite it true...(crowd boos)

Bran: Nobody cares about what you think! You threw me out the window!

Cersei: Also, Tyrion has a way of making you feel small. He can make you feel insignificant. In my case, I wonder how a dwarf like him would make you bow so low...(crowd goes silent. cricket chirps)

Lancel: Well, in my case, Tyrion has ways of finding out about your sins and uses them against you...

Crowd: Ooooooohhhhh!

Sansa: Well, at first, I didn't want to marry Tyrion, seeing as he was a dwarf and all that implies, but it turns out that this "marriage" is a good thing, because it's the one thing that's keeping me safe from Littlefinger...

Littlefinger: Hey, I resent that remark!

Gimli: Where's that no-good dwarf? I'd like to have some words with him! (to Tyrion) Your drunkeness and sleeping around with whores is giving us dwarves a bad name! You should be ashamed of yourself, behaving like that!

Tyrion: Oh look! Another dwarf! If my hands weren't tied, I'd cut that beard of yours off in a heartbeat!

Legolas: You would die before your stroke fell!

Percy: Ok, that's quite enough! And now for some words from Tyrion himself...(Tyrion shows up on stage)

Tyrion: Well, after hearing all the bad jokes that everyone had to say about me, I have just one question: is this how you all really feel about me? Me, the most popular character in "Game of Thrones"? Sure I am at a low point in "A Dance With Dragons", but who doesn't? Anyway, you just wait until I meet Daenerys Targaryen and then the fur will really go flying!

Percy: And that's all the time that we have tonight! I'm Percy Jackson and this has been the roasting of Tyrion Lannister! Goodnight, everyone! (applause from audience. scene fades to black. credits roll)