Oh Allah,
I lose touch with you every now and then. More so these days, I've noticed. Or maybe I was always at a distance, but it's only now that I realize how alienated i really am from my Rabb. In the time that I've been alive, I know that if I have this world, but if I lose you, then I have nothing.
That said, in some ways I do need this world. I need to feel validated, to feel loved. And sometimes I will look to the heavens and think, I should only need validation and love from you. But did you not put us here with others?
To give one another company and to confide in one another. To argue, and have strife. To love, and to be loved. We are taught here to depend on ourselves, that being vulnerable is the same as giving someone a loaded gun and telling them to shoot.
And yet still, we fall in in love, share our most darkest secrets, in hopes that someone is still able to look at every part of us and still choose us.
I pray that you have made us in such ways that we are capable of being loved. That you've made humanity to suffer, and feel despair. Because I would be terrified if I was the only one feeling this way.
I want to come to you, when I'm sad, or angry, because it is you who can change fate and morph destiny in its being. But instead, I will go to my friends, and they will be harsh, or uncaring. That may be in part that my friends are terrible, but sometimes it is hard for humans to feel like they have been heard when there is no reply. After all, isn't that how we communicate with each other?
Anyways, I'm sorry for being impatient, I look for you in my living room when the curtains are closed, in the sky at sunset, right before Maghrib. I wait for a sign to tell me if you've heard me, if somehow, you're replying to me. "Not yet" or "Hold on".
And sometimes, I see it. Trying times that single out my insincere friends, but bring me closer to the most genuine ones. My father, whose voice cracked when he found out I was suicidal; who still spoils me despite the fact that I am not a child anymore. And my mother, who battles mental illness, but believe me when I say that on the good days, she's the best mother I could have asked for.
I am loved. I am validated.
It's not obvious, you are subtle in your love, and it takes people like myself a while to notice, but you always give each of us something. It will be flawed in every way, but still perfect somehow for you. Sometimes the best things are right there in front of you.
All you have to do is look.
