Wanderlust

Stirred Mind

I lay here silently
with thoughts just screaming so loudly in my mind.
Mentally I have no care
in the world—
My mind as light as
a feather.
Yet, my chest
is filled with such
a heavy burden that thanks to gravity, only
weighs me down even more,
making it harder to breathe
and take in the things going on around me.
And over these countless months,
I've become so overcome with
these negative and soul sucking thoughts,
that every night when I lie here,
I have to question myself
if I'll be in this same spot by this time tomorrow,
or if I'll just be a distant memory by then
Then every morning when I wake up,
I'm swallowed by the guilt from my thoughts of the night before, and how eager I was to leave everything behind
But I'm also filled with deep sadness because
I am here
I am alive to live another day..
Here I am breathing...
Something that millions of people
take advantage of everyday,
and what we wish those who've already left us behind were still doing.
And although it's something I should be appreciative for
I instead find myself angry because
I don't want this 'precious' gift of life anymore.
I feel like someone else more deserving should be in my place
Someone full of love and ambition
Someone who adores life and everything around them
And I know it's extremely selfish to say such a thing,
especially about myself
However it's true.
Sometimes I wonder if myself—or others like me
were meant for life.
The same way I wonder why all the
good people around me had to leave so soon
when they deserved a longer and happier stay.
And then I realize how cruel the world
really is,
and how much worse it can be,
and I stop thinking about the whys and what ifs of life and the universe, and I just let it be for the moment.
But I know when I wake up in the morning,
it'll just be another rinse and repeat cycle of these unfortunate thoughts.
And I know that it'll continue to be that way until I no longer have a conscience mind.
And that's okay.
(tma)