I have a confession to make.
I want to kill someone. I've wanted to for a long time.
Yes, I know. I know the laws. I know the consequences. I know exactly how it will affect everyone, not just me. I know that if I do it, things will never be the same.
But I still want to.
I can't really explain it, but I'm going to try anyway. There's just something about this person that makes me tick. I can't really place it because it's literally everything about them, their whole entire personality, their whole life, is all about them. They can't seem to live outside of themselves, they can't see that the cost of their life is causing pain to many others. And I can't shake the feeling that there will be no way to change that. The only real answer feels like death.
But that's not all. It's not just the person.
It's me.
I don't know what it is. But all my life, I've felt powerless. Like there's nothing I can do to change the way the world is. I can try, but all I am is... nothing. Yes, killing this person won't make me something. But killing this person might, at the very least, mean I can change the history of the world, in some small way. But it extends even more, beyond logic. It's just the feeling of power and control. The rush I would feel to yield the power of life and death. Megalomania, per se.
I don't know. Does this make sense? I really need to seek medical attention. But would that really help?
It's the whole world. They fear what they do not understand. They can try and help us, yes, but it just feels like they're trying to be polite. To seem nicer to the people that are more normal. They don't actually care about the people they are actually helping. It's kind of sad, in a way. No one will really care if this person is gone, but they will when he's dead. Isn't that strange? How you can not care about a person while they were living, wishing they were gone, and now, when they actually are, you are the one to say that his death was untimely.
If this doesn't make sense to you, it doesn't make sense to me, either. I don't understand it, yet I want to do it anyway.
I just can't see another way. I've tried all my life to be normal, and then people tell me not to be normal, but what if I go over the edge?
What if I actually kill someone?
I don't know.
I can't do anything. I'm trapped. You already think I'm crazy, right? That's my point. I can't express my inner self to anyone, because my inner self is so dark. If I share it, people freak out. I know, it's terrible to internalize, and that's probably how my insides became so dark in the first place. But now I'm too far in the darkness. I can't do anything now. The thing is, there is no way out, the way things are now, except keep living the lie. Hoping, searching for a way out.
Suppressing the darkness and losing. Once it's power is released, the person I kill won't be the only one dead. I won't be the only other one, either. The whole world will be.
That made no sense. So why do I want to kill, if it makes no sense?
That's what scares me the most.
