thoughts of a teenager.. i guess

january

my friend had a crush on a cute boy. It was his birthday. I decided to make a huge mistake (ugh i was so dumb and selfish) I add him on snap and start strks with him. Uhm yea somehow i caught feelings for that asshole. I know i was dumb for wanting more but i could't hesitate. He was just so sweet yet such an asshole. Time passes and there came valentines day. He had a date. I was heartbroken. 2 days after i found out, that he had a gf i told my friends about the biggest mistake i have ever made - love him. My friend, let's call her anna, she had a huge crush on him too. She was also heartbroken. She was so nice to me and has always wanted the best for me. But I decided to be selfish and tried to steal her crush - but ended up getting caught in his play. One day he asked me for nudes. I never send nudes and i never will. He thought sending me nudes will change my mind. He did it while he had a girlfriend (the same girl he is together with now) he thought it was a good idea - it defo wasn't.  4 days after he sent me nudes, he blocked me. Time to move on from him i guess. But yeah, who would've thought, i was wrong. I still loved him. Even if i never felt his lips on mine i needed him. So bad it hurt. After they broke up we became friends again. he told me his girlfriend cheated on him. YES! MY CHANCE! i thought. but little did i know he only lied to me to get me around his finger and then leave me like i was trash. We were more than friends. I did what he told me. That was wrong. I stood up my friends just because HE did not like them. I changed for him. I was the happiest and saddest person at the same time. I was blinded by love. He just used me to tell his friends that he has another bitch to fw. He knew i wouldn't have sex with him. So he apologized to his ex and asked her for sex. Now they're a couple. again. Yep. My first ever heartbreak. aand it still hurts to think of him. I sometimes still think that he is the one. That he should be the I can't get enough of. That he should be the one i have pillowfights with at night. And that he should be the one i love the most... He cheated on his girlfriend - with me. I feel so bad for her. She doesn't know anything that he's done. He's so fucking toxic.
- 8th of july 2019 -