My life

The Beginning to Now

So all my life I've grown up in the same neighborhood with the same people. I went to Elementary school with the same people I went to Middle school and my Freshman year of High school with. Now you're probably wondering why only my freshman year? I'll get to that later.

In Elementary school is where you make your first friends. Now usually you don't stay friends with everyone as you get older. But, that wasn't the case for me. Most of the friends I made in kindergarten I still talk to now 11 years later.

In Middle school you make some new friends because you meet people that didn't go to your elementary school. Within this time period I gained probably some of the beat friends I could ever ask for. But with gaining friends I also lost a couple who joined different "friend groups". I mean we still talked and occasionally hung out but not as much.

Now back to the friends I made. There are a select few that I can probably count on my hands that have stuck with me through thick and thin. And when I mean thick, I'm talking quick sand mixed with rubber cement.

I say this because there was a year where just nothing was going right. My family almost lost our house, I had an aunt with cancer, who I lost in the same year, my grandpa also pasted away about a month before. Its was a really tough time. Plus on top of everything, ever since I was 5 I have been bullied. I've been bullied for my weight and the way I look and when you start hearing that at 5 years old you begin to believe it and nothing will ever change your mind. I've always hated the way I looked and talked and everything about myself and it lead me to self harm. And during this year when all this other terrible stuff was happening in my life I finally cracked. I was planning out my suicide. I had just gotten home from a rough day at school and I decided I couldn't handle it anymore. I'll spare you guys all the details, but one of my friends texted me and she said I didn't sound right. I tried to convince her everything was fine but she knew me better than that. She called the suicide prevention hotline and told them what was going on. The next thing I know there are two cop cars at my house and my mom rushes in with tears streaming down her face. I couldn't look at my mom. It hurt so much to see how much pain she was in hearing about what I was going to do. The cops talked to me and since it was a first time thing they didn't do anything but put me on suicide watch.

The next day when I went back to school, the friend who had called ran up to me almost in tears. It made me realize if I would have followed through with my plan how much I would have hurt my friends and family.

That same friend that helped me back then is still with me today. Our friendship never changed.

Now to Freshman Year of Highschool. This was 2013-2014 and I am now a Sophomore. Freshman year of high school was really a huge turning point for me. I was upset at first, cause some of my great friends went to a different school, but after the first 2 weeks. I found my "group". There were about 7 of us. Some people came and went. But these were people I could see everyday and pretty much no matter what mood I was I'm they would make me smile. If I was having a tough day they could turn it around easily. I truly love these guys and hope we stay friends even through the situation I'm in now, which I'll get to in a bit.

I also had another little group of people I hung with and that was my Theatre Troupe. I wasn't close with everybody but the ones I was could make me laugh, give me advice, and make my day better. We were like a family you could go to anybody about anything and they would help you out.

With both of these groups I was finally starting to enjoy life. I loved going to school. And I quit self-harming almost completely. It was great and I was looking forward towards the next 3 years. Which I was expecting to be the best years of my school life.

But...

My dad got a job in a different state. He had, got it about half way through my freshman year. My parents allowed me to finish my freshman year at my current school. And decided we would move during the summer. I tried to be optimistic about this whole thing. Telling myself things like "everything happens for a reason" and "it will be a new beginning, fresh start". Well, those optimistic sayings ended about a week after moving into our temporary apartment. I spent my summer without friends, and without knowing anyone so I couldn't do anything. Worse summer ever!

Then when school was starting up, I got excited because I like school...well use to. The first week was hell! I figured the following weeks would get better as we started to all settle in. Nope! I was wrong! Each week got progressively worse. When I tried to talk to people, they would ignore me completely or give me a one word fucking answer. I also would try to join a group in class and they would all act like I wasn't fucking there. So now I sit by myself in all my classes. Exciting right?

Oh, and lunch. The first couple days I sat alone in the cafeteria doing my homework (cause I don't eat lunch) and when I would look up, some assholes would be staring and laughing at me. No one! NO ONE ever offered for me to sit with them! So the next week I went to the library and sat in a corner by myself and did my homework. And that is now how I spend my lunch hour.

Also, this school's teaching staff sucks! None of them seem to care about you or anyone else or what they are teaching. I hate it!!

So, ever since I've moved my depression has been coming back and I've been trying to resist the urge to self harm. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. And I would be lying if I said I hadn't planned out my suicide once or twice.

I just wish I could move back to my home town where I feel like I belong!!! Where the school system doesnt suck!!! And where I didn't want to kill myself!!!

WHY WAS IT ME WHO HAD TO FUCKING MOVE TO A DIFFERENT STATE!??? WHY!?? I JUST WISH THINGS COULD BE OVER AND I COULD BE DONE WITH THIS HELL HOLE!!!!!