Alright guys.
So I've been getting The Deceased critiqued lately, and I've been getting a lot of comments about the introduction, how it's going too fast, and how there are so many characters. I'm just going to rewrite it, and see if it gets any better. I hope you guys like it!!
My eyes shot open. I turned in bed. "Marty..." I groaned.
I was still half asleep, but as I turned to face the door I could see it shaking, and there was a subtle knocking that could be heard. "Marty!" I half yelled.
My brother moaned. Reopening my eyes, I stared directly in front of me. My brother was facing the wall, next to his bed, facing the opposite direction of me.
I rubbed my eyes and sat up. "Marty. Stop trying to scare me." My thirteen year old brother's light brown hair was tousled and full of knots. He groaned, and rubbed his vibrant green eyes, which were the only thing we had in common. My hair was very dark brown, and slightly wavy, and his was very light brown and straight.
"Stop..." He moaned, and rolled onto his stomach.
A loud bang shook the door, and Marty's head snapped up to face the door, wide eyed. "What was that?"
I shrugged.
"Go look in the hole thing..." Marty stood up in his red boxers and pointed at the door. He was a bit more... developed than most kids his age. He was starting to get abs and arm muscles, and he was almost 5'9" tall.
I was short, only 5'3", and being surpassed in height by my thirteen year old brother wasn't exactly the most exciting thing in the world, but I didn't really care. My waist length hair was pulled back, and it brushed my back as I stood up and, on my tiptoes, looked through the peephole on the door.
What I saw made me jerk back.
It had red eyes, not just red irises but red, bloody eyes. It's skin was slightly green, and pus dripped out of deep cuts in it's cheeks and forehead. It had no lips, and there was a mark on it's neck that looked like teeth.
While I was catching my breath, my brother looked through the hole hesitently and quickly turned around, his eyes wide. His hands were shaking, and he looked horrified.
"We have to go get Ben and Marley," He gasped.
Ben and Marley were my best friends, and they'd traveled with us to New York City to see my Aunt Cecelia. We were staying in this hotel, the Wesson North, for a day before she could come see us. She worked for New York Times as their Photographer in Chief, and she was in Arizona documenting the plague that was causing the population to panic. Ben and Marely were in room 928, while Marty and I were in room 924.
"We can't," I snapped.
Marty made a confused face. "Whaddaya mean, we can't? We have to."
"Yeah, alright," I paced. "Let's just go outside and get... get mauled by whatever that... thing is. You saw it, didn't you?"
Marty nodded. "You're right, but what are we gonna do? Just sit and wait in this hotel room?"
"I don't know! What else are we supposed to do? Kill it?"
