The Tales of a Professional Hockey Player

Chapter 21: Alcohol

~Ben~

It's two am. Eleanor's head is heavy on my chest, but I don't have the courage to push her away. I am afraid she'll wake up and we'll have to talk about happened. I have no idea what I will say once we do talk about it. I know she was drunk and that it probably clouded her judgement, but she insisted so much that it made me doubt at one point. I was this close to let her do to me exactly what she wanted, but then she tripped on the rug. Eleanor whose every movement is always full of grace tripped on the rug and it made me remember that she wasn't herself. And if we ever do this again, I want it to be with her and not a shallow version that is driven by too many tequila shots and strong martinis. I can't say that kissing her made the ache in my heart diminish. On the contrary, it made it grow. It made me want more since it was only a small taste of what being with Eleanor really is like. It's like going to a restaurant whom you deeply love but leave after the appetizers, and no matter how far we would have gone tonight, it would have remained an appetizer. It never would have been the whole thing because my mind would have been filled with questions and thoughts about how wrong my actions were. I would have hated myself for going all the way with her tonight. And no matter what she said, she would have hated me too. I know her well enough to know she would have hated the fact that I took advantage of her drunken state. A drunk consent does not equal a sober consent, and many people don't understand that concept.

Eleanor's head drops lower on my chest, taking me away from my thoughts. I grab my phone from my back pocket and unlock it for the first time since I found Eleanor at the bar. I only have one text from Olive that came in at ten saying Ophelia was finally sleeping. It took reading all the books Eleanor had put in her overnight bag, but our daughter had finally stopped crying and fell asleep. I scroll on Facebook and Instagram for a while until I get bored of spying on other people's lives. Instead, I decide to spy on my own life but through Eleanor's eyes. I still haven't finished the book she wrote, and even if I don't have my copy with me, I decide to finish it tonight. I end up buying another copy on Apple Books at a much cheaper price than the one I bought in New York. I can't help but think about what Eleanor would say if she would wake up only to see me read a book on my phone.

"You know, it's people like you who will kill the publishing industry. I don't know how you're able to connect with a book while on your phone," she said to me when I considered buying my mother an eBook for her birthday. I didn't get it because you still have to buy the book to read it but decided not to argue.

"You know, it's people like you who will cut every tree in sight just to make paper for your books because they can't adapt to technology," I said instead. She just pulled her tongue out at me and I ended up buying my mother a real book on the art of crochet for beginners.

I scroll through the book until I find the place I stopped at last time.

I hate myself for it. I hate myself because it broke something that was so beautiful and pure, and I don't know if I'll ever get over him, over us. I don't even know if I'll want to find something else because there will always be this part of me who will be attached to him. When he left, he took a piece of me with him. A piece I'll never get back. A piece I don't want back because getting it back would mean that Ben and I are over forever. No matter what he's done or what I've done because yes, I've done awful things to him some of which he doesn't even know, I won't ever completely fall out of love with him. Simply because I don't know how to. I don't know how to stop loving Ben and I don't even know if I should. I have accepted the fact that a piece of me will always love him. I just don't know if it should be the kind of love that keeps you up at night and creates goosebumps on your skin when you think about it or if it should be the friendly kind of love. The one that, when you look back, you are happy with the memories you have, but are also ok with the fact that you will never have more. Maybe, one day, I'll make up my mind. Or maybe, one day, Ben will tell me with the way he'll act around me because I know he'll come back. I have this profound feeling that we are not over just yet. Benjamin Johnson will do amazing things in life and so will I. One day, I'll look back and think it was all worth it.

As I read the final words, I look at the sleeping figure on my chest with a heavy heart. This is what she truly thinks about us. She painted those sentences using words that came from something real hidden deep inside of her. She created this act when she was around me at first probably to protect herself and to keep her from going back to the place she had to go to just to write those words. I know why people loved the book. It's real, it's not some made up story with imagined feelings and overworked storylines. It's us on paper. And reading our story written like that hits me more than I would admit to anyone but Eleanor. The answer has been right there in front of my nose, but I was too scared to read it. She still loves me. I hold a piece of her that she doesn't want back, and, for me, that is one of the best proofs of love there is.

I don't know how long I just sit there rereading the last chapter of her novel. I gave up on the idea of going back to my room. I don't want her to think I'm upset over what happened last night because I'm not. Maybe I was a little at first, but now that I know where she's coming from, I understand why she did what she did. She just wanted answers. Answers that are harder for her to get because she doesn't have a book full of them.

The loud sound of my phone ringing is the only thing that makes me pull away from Eleanor and get out of her room. I don't take time to check the caller ID before answering but when Connor's voice fills my ear, I regret accepting the call.

"Benji we've got a problem," he seriously says, his voice nervous.

"What?" I ignore the fact that he's calling me at three am when I remember that it's six am in New York, the time I usually get up at to go running. I start walking towards the elevator to head to my room. I decide to text Eleanor to tell her the reason why I left.

"The last blood test you did in Germany," he starts, but takes a break before finishing his sentence. Back when I was in Germany, we had blood test every two months to check if we were using drugs to enhance our performances. I hum, inviting him to continue. "Well the Islanders requested it and they weren't happy when they say your blood alcohol level. It was high, Ben."

"Everyone's blood level was high Connor. We went out after every game and they kept surprising us with blood tests the next morning!"

"They don't care about everyone, Ben. They care about you because they're about to sign with you." There's one word in that sentence that sets me off. It's the "about." I thought they already signed. I thought everything was settled that they had signed after I did when we met in New York.

"What do you mean they're about to sign with me?" Even I can hear the nervousness in my voice.

"They waited for your results before signing and now they're worried. After seeing the last one, they requested the other ones and they're all like that, Ben. They want to talk to you," he calmly says, but I know he's stressed out, even more than me.

"When?"

"Now, you have to come back to New York as soon as possible, so I booked you a ticket on the flight that leaves in the morning. I'll pick you up at the airport." 

Thank you for all the love and support you are showing to both books on Ben and Eleanor's story. The first one just reached 10,6K reads and is now number 1 in the athlete category which is more than I ever thought possible, so once again, thank you all so much for reading and voting!! 

                 Alexandra 

                            xxx