Picture of Love (Jung Hoseok fan fiction)

13. "I don't deserve you."

Hoseok and I continue this routine, spending huge amounts of time together, getting to know each other more and more throughout the next three weeks and surprisingly, I wouldn't want it any other way. 

We would get ice cream together. 

"So, you gonna let me pay for you this time?" J-Hope nagged after ordering  treats at the crowded ice cream parlor. 

I laugh fondly at the memory of Jay fighting to pay for my ice cream at this same place and literally swatting my hands and running to pay for macaroons. 

"Something tells me you're not gonna give me much of a choice." He chuckles, raising his eyebrows and nodding as if to say 'you thought correctly.' He always pays for the treats and we spend hours being silly and making fun of each other per usual. We visited the parlor so often that we made a deal: we would each try a different flavor with every visit just to switch things up a bit and we were on a first name basis with Gio, the owner of the place. He would always tease us about how cute we were in our "honeymoon" phase, which made me cringe, but filled Jay with pride every time.

Afterward, Jay always seemed to have some activity already picked out, the two of us behaving like a pair of tourists. 

We've gone to the Museum of Modern Art, the Asian Art Museum and tried to hit a bunch of other art museums in the Bay area. It was so gratifying to have someone around who was as interested in art as I was, who could actually have an opinion and hold a discussion about it.

"What do you think about this one?" I ask him as we approach yet another piece, arms linked. He looks it over, pointedly, takes a minute to process his thoughts and turns to me. 

"I think it reminds me of you." He shares sincerely. I roll my eyes playfully and decide to humor him. "How so?" I gaze at him, awaiting his answer. 

"Well, it's beauty, of course." I snort and nod teasingly. Jay is so smooth, he possesses the power to turn absolutely anything into a compliment. 

"I mean, it's breathtaking." He goes on. "But in a mysterious way... It leaves something to be desired. If that makes any sense." He clarified the best  he could. 

I nod, trying to understand. "So, you think I'm a mystery?" I question with furrowed brows. "Well, yes." He spoke, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, while I try to figure out whether to be offended or not. 

"And I... Leave something to be desired?" I ask with my eyes to the ground in guilt. 

I make it a point not to talk about my past or my family, unless absolutely necessary. Whenever the topic arises with J-hope and I, I try to evade it very quickly and it's clear now that he's well aware of this. I feel almost sorry that he has to put up with it, but the past haunts me daily and I'd never want to revisit it. 

And when getting to know someone, it helps to actually know them, not just the "mysterious" front they put up to shield themselves from getting hurt the same way again. But it's a defense mechanism that's been my life for as long as I can remember.

Jay catches wind of my concern and tries to back track a bit. "No! No, no, no. You're amazing." He lifts my chin gently and drags my attention to his face. 

"Huh, I just put my own foot in my mouth, I didn't mean it that way." I don't even know which way  I meant it. 

"You're just a little... Reserved is all. And there's nothing wrong with that."