Skinny

Chapter 19

Dedicated to RahmaAlm because of all the wonderful comments she leaves me :)

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Back on that stupid, red, leather couch. I felt like I was always sitting on it. It was mocking me, reminding my thoughts that I was stuck in a mental hospital with no way out unless I was 'better.'

The thirty second walk back to Dr. Reynolds office had changed my whole demeanor. I had been given a diagnosis, which would be proof that there was actually something wrong with me. It would mean that I had to admit defeat and let everyone say 'I told you so.' I didn't want that. I didn't want another reason for people to mock me and make me feel horrible about myself.

I had wanted answers badly, though, but now that I had them I was still conflicted. If Dr. Reynolds knew what was wrong, that meant he could 'fix' me. But he knew about Alex and where was she now? Dead.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked, cutting off my angry thoughts.

"Nothing." I replied stubbornly.

"Okay. Would you like to hear about what I told you?" He asked.

"I guess."

"Binge-purge anorexia shares many similarities with anorexia and bulimia, as made obvious in the name. People who deal with bulimia normally have a healthy BMI, and people dealing with anorexia do not binge and purge. Because your BMI is so low, and your actions resemble bulimia, I am confident in this diagnosis. Now this is not uncommon, so try not to think you're the only one dealing with this.

No matter what goes on in your life, you are never alone. I'm here to help, along with your friends and family. There are plenty of support groups out there also, online and in person.

Now as I've said, I'm here to help, but it needs to be two sided. If you're not ready to recover, then anything I say or do will mean nothing. The process would include opening up and possibly reliving memories that will be hard to talk about, but essential for your recovery. We'll figure out together how to handle situations you'll have to deal with in the future.

Our sessions would go both ways. If you're in the mood to talk about whatever is on your mind, then you go right ahead and we can focus on that. If not, then I will start. But I need you to be willing, Kylie. Without your consent and open mind, then recovery will take much longer. What do you say?"

I was taken back by all the information Dr. Reynolds was throwing my way. My thoughts were running all over the place in my mind and bumping into the walls that surrounded them. They were going frantic with no sense of direction whatsoever.

I was kind of feeling deflated over the whole idea. It was as if he used this process for everyone and just expected it to work with me. Like he wanted to use the the same thing for all of his patients so he didn't have to try any harder. That thought sent a cool chill through me.

I could feel the walls attempt to build themselves even higher. My trust was beginning to become so much harder for people to acquire. Why did my self-esteem have to do that to me? I wanted, no, needed complete control over my actions and thoughts, but was that even possible?

"What happens if I do agree to this? How would we start?" I asked, a little hesitant.

"However you want to." He told me.

"So I would take control over the beginning?"

"You could take control during any session regarding yourself." He informed me.

I knew I was repeating some of the things he said, but I just wanted to make sure. It was a lot to take in and quite overwhelming. "What if I don't want to talk about anything during that day?"

"Then we don't have to."

Everything he was telling me was getting better and better. I felt like the idea of partaking in his therapy sessions would actually be a good thing. "And I would still have to take part in group therapy?"

"Again that's your choice, but I would recommend it. You would expand your support system, and even help others along the way if you wanted." He said.

"I don't want to be put on medication." I said, not sure why it randomly popped out of my mouth.

"Why do you think you would need medication?" He asked in a calm tone.

"I don't know." I admitted.

He nodded and smiled. "Okay, we can also talk about the possibilities of medicine if I ever feel that you need it. Sometimes there are chemical imbalances going on in the brain, but we can find that out later if you want, or even not at all. It's completely up to you."

"That sounds like a really good offer." Was this actually coming out of my mouth?

"So what do you say? Does my deal sound appealing to you?"

It was such a big decision for me. I wasn't an open book. I wasn't one to try to help myself, usually only others. But I could stop it at any time. I could talk about myself some days and then others not talk at all. It sounded like a win-win situation, one that would help me become control of my own life.

"Okay, I'm in."

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(A/N) sorry for the short chapter, had to do it all on my phone and wasn't sure how long it was going to be. Next one will definitely be longer