playboy 20/20

chapter I

        I am so dissatisfied with my lack of love that it's unsettling. I'm so tired of the same old shit everyday.
Plus I'm still in high school so that makes everything even better.

       I want someone to feel for me. I want to be social. I want more friends. I wish I didn't hate everyone that I encounter. But then again, the world is not a wish granting factory, as said in "The Fault in Our Stars." Great book by the way, I highly recommend that one. It's adorable.

        I read, watch, and think about most anything related to love. I've gotten so lonely with it that I've decided to fantasize the reality of it all. I'm blaming this all on my ex, who I'll complain about soon in a minute, because I believe that he himself has transformed me into a melancholy marshmallow.

          I'm just sad that all of the things and all of the memories I had with him had all gone to waste, due to me not being a "big booty bitch" like, I guess, everyone else in this damned school.
My body makes me so highly uncomfortable that I feel like I'm violating the terms of service to living life or something. It's confusing. Am I flat? Or am I thick? That's for me to not know, and same goes to you.
My guess on why I don't date people is because I can't handle the distraction or I can't handle the pain of heartbreak. I feel like once people say the three words of "I love you", they should always and forever stay true to their word. Otherwise, I feel like they've wasted my time pretending like they loved me. I feel used and unloved.
He made me feel loved. Like a genuine love that felt real for once. Like, a love that includes all the kinky shit and the ones that you can hold onto forever, and not fuck anything up because you love them.
But to my dismay, I was wrong. I was yet again wrong.

          I feel like sometimes I'm invisible, and sometimes I feel like glass. And I can't change myself. I can't be dependant and strong.
           The thing with me is that I can't depend on myself for my own happiness. I have to have someone there. Anyone. I can't just be happy. I need someone.
Otherwise I'm worthless.
And I hate myself for it.
I'm so scared of the future. I'm so worried about my best friend. My happiness.
She's my happiness.
I lose her, I lose my happiness.
I wonder if I'm in love with her sometimes.
I might be.
But she likes another girl, a girl who I would bury alive or even pay to see her be burned alive.
Her name is Kadee Gregory.
Now, the thing with Kadee is that she's a manipulative slut who, for some reason, just gets anything she wants for being the most liked for dumbass reasons.
If she takes my world, my life is over.
I could feel everything draining from my system the day she told me she had feelings for this STD ridden whore. I still can, like as if there's a hole in my heart that I can't fill.
Like I said, I am in the desperate need for love.
I like a guy. But I might also like a girl.
I'm going on a fucking rampage.