OUR STORIES

MY STORY

A stranger comes right to me and tells me that I'm such a happy go lucky person. Only if he knows what's on my mind every time I smile and pretend that my life is absolutely okay, he wouldn't dare to say it out of blue like that right?

At first, I am such a happy kid and grew up into a happy teen. But as I'm living my life day by day, it's getting hard to cherish the word of happiness. My world started to mix with lots of feelings. The insecurities, the feelings of being not good enough, scared for getting judge by society for who I am. As if me being me is not good enough to be in their level. Then I started to involve with loves. And it added another package of misery in my life. Till it reached one point in my life where I stopped doing what I used to, started to not talking the way I used to, started to shut people out to get my own damn space, started to bury myself in my own thoughts and started to become not me. I realized that I had changed. Damn. I did. But it's really hard to go back to the way you used to be. It's not that I can't, but I'm afraid if I'll do more damage to myself.

Back then, I always used my stories well perhaps my miseries in that happened in my life before to motivate others. But after some long time and I had developed with same problems but with different person, I just shut me out. Yes, I shut myself out. I didn't proud of me anymore, I lost all my self-appreciate. I'm starting to hate myself wholely. Because of who I am before led me to who I am today. Present is 2019 and all the incidents was in 2017. Of course I thought that I am a warrior in 2018. Why? Because I did survived in 2017. When all of the people just shut me out, I didn't reach out to people because I thought it's better to be alone. Hecc yeah I'm becoming the better me, I'm more closed to my family. I leaved all those people for some quite time. Well, I could say I did some pretty god jobs back then.

And it's 2018. Hoping that I won't facing the same problems at the new place shattered at the moment I knew the person who started all of the problems was studying at the same place as I was. Can you imagine? Facing same person that you really wanted to run away the most? Even though it's going to take only 10 months, but facing the reality is the hardest. So I promised these to myself :

1) Don't expose yourself

2) Don't get attach to anyone

3) Don't make friends

4) Don't spend time with anyone

5) Just stuck in your room or library; study

Well, those promise just bullshits on bed because promise number 1 scattered on the first day as I'm walking to the café and he's there too. Promise number 2, 3 and 4 broke as well when I was appointed as a Head of Residents. Yes, the Head of Residents.. my undercover just blew like that. Well promise number 5 had a mind blowing story and I suddenly felt so mixed emotions about that story. Just know that I changed a lot because of that. And that changed was not a good one. That changed taught me about how to cope with sadness during every weekends, just ate once a day, how to become the miserable you, how to keep being at the pit of depression flame, how to stay strong on the outside and broken in the inside. And in the same time, you got to have all 46 chapters of 4 subjects right in your mind with only 4 months given and carried out your duty as Head of Residents. Of course it's easy to die rather than having all those stuffs coming around.

I'm becoming more bitter than ever. As if I didn't know myself anymore. That was not a real me. I never knew I could change that much. I hated myself. I hated myself for letting myself fell for someone again. I hated myself because I allowed he treated me like that. I hated myself for saying that I'm fine and coped myself alone by saying that everything is gonna be okay. Hell it's not. I tried my best to be positive, to be okay all the time, to be one who gave efforts every time we went cold. But you didn't give a damn about that at all. In the end you blamed me. Of course I'll take the blame because I realized that I didn't give you my attention and my time to you. I couldn't give you what you wanted, so you find a new.

 You only cared bout yourself. You only cared bout you being hurted. But did you realized that I was hurting too? When you're still with me, I saw it in your eyes. You were getting tired of everything. There's no sparkle in your eyes anymore. I asked you what's wrong, you said nothing and you could handle it alone. Leaving me alone was your solution. Brilliant dude. You absolutely knew what I was facing before I met you. You knew all of them all along. But you added yourself into the list as well. You gave me a new pain and it leaved me no idea how to handle it. I just healed my broken heart and yet you let it broke again. Did you have any idea how many sleepless nights it took me to completely healed me?

You found a new two weeks after we broke up. She's pretty and cute. Nothing like me. I'm too far from good compared to her. She wore make up, I didn't. She got this charming smile, I didn't. She's so good in front of camera, but I don't even know the right angle to take a single selfie and ended up looking like a dying whale. And now I still don't know whether you still with her or not. But what I'm sure is it's been 5 months we're apart. It's still a short time to this once everything for me. I thought I really moved on. But at some times, when all these things came rushing in, I'm not okay. Not okay at all. Yes, I knew I wished you a good life and hope you're happy with her. But there's times that I'm tired of everything, I just broke down in the middle of the night, questioning everything that I didn't know the answer or I did but just to make things worst, I blamed myself. I fucked up. Totally fucked up at 19. (still 18 coz I was born in Sept) I smiled. Of course I am. But there's always something beneath myself. Sadness, but I don't know what for. Sometimes, I'm confuse with myself. Sometimes I cried but I didn't know why. I guessed I'm too tired from smiling when I was kid. That's why I'm always crying now.

I hope you guys meet your true one. Don't get hooked up with some blithering idiots that mistook your door with toilet's door....

( do share your story with me ;') who knows you're my-bestfriend-to-be )