Living for Hope

1

Spring Break

The words themselves sparked feelings of joy and relief in everyone around the world-- everyone but me. I should be ecstatic to have nine days of no school. Nine days spent with my best friends with no worries at all. Instead, I will be spending these days away from my best friends, alone at home with the company of chick-flick movies and tissues. Nothing Ryan Gosling can not fix.

My best friend, Olivia shakes my shoulders, pleading with her big green eyes for the fifth time. "Are you sure you can't come with us to Miami?"

They have had this trip to Miami planned since January. A week spent down on the beach, living onshore in rented out beach house. I have had since January to gather all the possible excuses I could use.

Another lie slithers up my throat, itching to come out. I hold my tongue, making sure to not let the truth slip. "I can't, Liv. I wish I could but my mom is on me about school right now."

I see the surrender in her eyes as she realizes there is no use in arguing with me anymore. You would think she would have learned her lesson in the seven years we have been best friends. I still remember her purple lunch box and innocent filled eyes when she walked into school, fresh into town. I had heard that a new girl had moved into town and it wasn't hard to spot her. I took it upon myself to befriend her in the sixth grade and the rest is history.

My other best friend since kindergarten, Stella, snakes an arm through mine. She tosses her dark brunette hair over her shoulders. She sneaks a look at Olivia who is on the other side of me. "Come on, Olivia. You should know by now that Hope never has fun." The ignorance in her words is unmissable but unlike her, I know how to hide my true emotions. The words hurt but I have gotten used to missing out in the last two years.

If only they knew the truth behind the mask I plaster on. Two years have gone on since the doctor broke the news that my kidney was beginning to fail. I was born with one kidney and eventually, it grew tired of doing all the work. I was sentenced to a life of dialysis. At sixteen, my world was turned upside down, erasing every plan I had for myself including trips to Miami. Nowadays, my days are spent locked away in solitude, sheltered from the outside world, and the harm it could bring me. Everyone beside my family was left in the dark about my health in hopes of maintaining some kind of normality in my life. The last thing I wanted was my friends to treat me differently. I did not want to see the pity in their eyes as they looked at me every day.

The time on my phone reads a quarter past one meaning I have less than an hour to get to the hospital for dialysis. I realize this would be the last time I see my friends until after spring break. I embrace my best friends, making sure to keep the sadness buried down. "Don't have too much fun without me." I smile, keeping my head up.

Olivia squeezes my hand, "I wish you could be there but I'll make sure to send you pictures every day. It will be like you are right there with us."

All three of us part ways, continuing on with our day as if they aren't leaving me.
***

The smell of disinfectant spray hits my nose in an instant as I step through the doors of the hospital. At the front nurses' desk sits Josephine with a smile on her face. "If it isn't my favorite patient." Her dark brown curly hair resides in a bun on top of her, showing off her honey brown eyes and alluring brown caramel skin. The smile on my face is fake, hinting at the sadness of being stuck at home during spring break.

"It is okay to be upset about not going on that trip, sweetheart."

Josie has the tendency to see right through my fake smiles unlike no other. I guess seeing me three times a week for the last two years can do that. I shrug my shoulders, following behind her as she leads me to my chair. "I'll be fine, Josie. This is my life now and I have to realize I can't do the things my friends can do. I will get through this. " I focus my eyes on the curtain beside me as the needle is inserted into my arm. Despite doing this for two years, I still have a fear of needles.