The Closet Chronicles

11. Back Inside

My parents agreed to let me go back to school for my grade twelve year. On the first day back, I was pestered with questions about my "brush with death". As my parents instructed me, I told everyone about how I had stage one liver cancer, and recovered quickly. The best part of the day was seeing how concerned Zak was for me. One time, I dropped my textbook, and he picked it up for me, smiling as he put it in my hand. I nearly swooned. Despite our time apart, my feelings for him never changed.
My new schedule was amazing, I had first period math with Jennifer and Zak. I happily helped Zak any time he struggled. Second period was English with Jennifer, and third was Chemistry with Zak. Fourth was a spare, and fifth was a drama with Zak and Jen. Sadly, both Jen and Zak had history in fourth. I didn't have history until second semester, fifth period.
In the first couple months of school, I had teachers constantly upping my grades, giving me bonus marks, and helping me with absolutely anything. I guess they were still concerned for my health. However, by the time that our January break was over, they put my nose back to the grindstone.
Throughout those months, I got closer with Zak as a friend. We hung out, played soccer (which I was surprisingly good at), and had study sessions. I almost slipped a couple times, and told him how I felt, but I managed to keep my identity hidden from him.
Jennifer finally let me hang out with Zak alone, after deeming me emotionally stable enough to not ruin all the work I had put in to appear straight again. My parents and I had stopped fighting, and things were back to normal. However, if Zak came over, we worked in the kitchen where my mom could keep an eye on us. Even with all the good going on in my life again, I was still having problems.
I had insomnia. It started in January, and I couldn't shake it. I laid awake each night, with a million thoughts running through my head. I had more emotions than I could handle. My love for Zak, my sadness at being back in the closet, my nervousness about finals, and anything else that was on my mind kept me up. I got maybe two or three hours of sleep a night. I started drinking coffee to keep me awake during the day. Finally, at the beginning of May, my mom took me to the doctor, and we got a prescription for sleeping pills. I was only allowed to take one a night if I wasn't asleep after midnight. My mom actually hid the pills, and left out one each night for me. I had enough to last me two months, until finals were over. I learned to fall asleep without them by June, because I didn't want to take them. They left a horrible after taste in my mouth.
In June, Zak and Jennifer came over to study almost everyday. When Jennifer was with us, we were allowed to go in the basement. My parents didn't know that Jennifer knew that I was gay, so they thought that having her there would stop me from doing anything "inappropriate" with Zak. They were partially right, because Jennifer still didn't want me falling for Zak. I couldn't do anything with Jennifer breathing down my neck, but how can you stop falling when you've already jumped off the cliff?