Can You See Me?

Carlee Jenson

"Carlee Jenson. You could never miss her presence. She was naturally a glowing person," A rainy gloomy day.

The crowd dressed in black, umbrellas in hand, a friend group that is no more, shedding tears for the poor girl.

Shedding more guilt than tears.

The funeral of my best friend.

I was asked to speak for her parents comfort, and because they knew I was close to her. I stood on the stand shaky.

Of course I hadn't prepared anything. I was just going to say what I felt. Right now I feel like there is something missing.

A missing puzzle piece too far to be rediscovered. Too damaged to be put back into this puzzle.

I wouldn't want to worry her parents. They are taking this hard as it is. I accepted.

"God, I miss her." I thought to myself.

Memories flowing through my mind like a tidal wave.

"Please believe me! I would never purposely do this to you!" I hear Carlee yell behind me.

If only I listened to her.

Maybe I would have realized he wasn't in love with me.

He loved Carlee.

He loves her.

I wasn't entirely sure I loved him either.

It still hurt me.

The rain hitting my head. I feel guilty. Guilty for not telling the investigators the full truth of what happened between Carlee and I that night.

I remember our times together. With Dominic, Andrea, Eric, and Dawson.

"Come on you can do it!" Carlee yelled, smiling motioning me to swing from the rope.

Our friends already in the water.

"Come on Jade! Get that ass in the water!" Dominic cheered her on.

"Don't be afraid I got you!" My boyfriend Eric said. I was shaking.

I didn't feel at ease when Eric told me. He is high all the time. Who knew what could happen?

It was a hot summer. We had gone to a beach house for an entire week. I was too deathly afraid of the water. I only got in if Carlee was there by my side.

It was one of my fears. I am afraid of drowning, despite knowing how to swim. I was forced to learn.

There were all these cons floating around in my head, but something about Carlee made me feel so comfortable.

I screamed bracing myself, and swung from the rope jumping in.

Carlee had swam towards me after she realized it was taking me a while to get back to the surface. I got back up afraid of the fact I could not feel the bottom.

"You did it! You did that!" Carlee said as I climbed into her lap shaking, breathing hard.

"It's okay, I'm here." Our eyes lock and I feel the comfot of her gaze. I wrapped my arms around her.

"She was a very close friend, Daughter, niece, granddaughter, whatever the case may be. She always lit up a dark room. She was the sweetest person I have personally ever met. It is a shame her life ended this way," I looked at Eric who was glaring at me.

"I just hope that wherever she is now, that she leaves the same touch on everyone she meets. Just like she did when she was alive. I will forever remember Carlee Jenson."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Jade." I heard a familiar voice say. I continue walking to my car. I get in my car. I had the doors unlocked.

Shit.

I was about to start the car and Eric sat in the passenger seat closing the door.

"Say it." I say trying to finish this conversation.

"Say what?" He says, confused and angry.

"What you always say. 'Keep it to yourself' Are we done here?" I say looking him in the eyes.

"We couldn't have known this would happen. Quit blaming yourself."

"I get that alot." He sighs.

"I wanted to know if you were still going to College"

"I am. This isn't going to keep me from living my life. Have you figured it out yet?"

"I decided not to go. Life is meant to be lived."

"You do you."

"Jade, I am sorry I kissed Carlee. I really am. You just have to understand. No one can know about what happened." I grip my steering wheel.

"Get out of my car." I say.

"Jade-" I cut him off.

"Get hell out! Now! You smell like weed and I don't want a reminder of you left in my car!" He scoffs. He opens the door getting out and slamming it.

Asshole.

The beginning is always the hardest thing to go back to without wishing things were the same.

I don't feel any less guilty, but I mean how could I have known?

Right?