minute by minute / evak

025. "It was her choice."

It was Wednesday, the day we were
going to head our ways back to home.
Lucas was going to stay in Oslo for the rest of the winter break, so we decided to go to mom's place since Even's and mine shared flat was pretty small.

We had to walk to the closest bus stop for almost three kilometers.

"Why couldn't your mom just come and pick us up?" Magnus complained while we walked in the middle of the woods, once again.

"She's still at work." I rolled my eyes.

We held hands with Even, feeling the heavy snow under my feet. The weather was almost magical. There was no wind felt anywhere, and the sun had appeared onto the sky.
We reached the bus stop, and waited for ten minutes before it finally showed up.

We all sat in silence, and i was resting my head on Even's shoulder. I stared out the window and the trees that were passing by, thinking of how lucky i was.

After almost thirty minutes, the bus arrived to the city's bus station, and we had to walk again. This time to my mother's house, which didn't take that long.

"How does your mom pay this? I mean, she's living alone now and this house is kinda big." Magnus let out his thoughts loudly.

"She's a business woman, you know."

I still had the keys to the old house, just in case something bad happens. While turning the familiar key in the lock i felt the "i miss home" -feeling hit me.

Even didn't let go of my hand when i opened the door. Not for a single second, and i thought it was adorable. It felt good to know that after all he still wanted to be with me and especially close to me.

"Mom gets home from work in fifteen minutes, so don't do anything stupid." I warned the other boys who stood next to me.

They mumbled something to each other, before walking into the living room. Probably to watch television or play PlayStation games, as always.
I walked into the kitchen, Even following me.

"Isak, relax." He said and hugged me after him and i had dropped our bags onto the floor.

"What? I'm fine!" I tried to convince him, to believe me.

"No, you're not. Babes, it's just your mom."

I let go of him and took a few steps back to see his face clearly. He was tired, too. Or maybe it just looked like he was because he hadn't been smoking anything for few days.

"I know! But i feel bad for leaving her alone. And i do know she understands and she's fine with the fact that i'm going to be an adult, but it still feels somehow... unfair." I tried to find the right words.

"It's not unfair, Isak. It's not your fault that your parents got a divorce, you remember that?"

"Yeah, but-"

"No buts. Their relationship was toxic. They were both busy, your dad hit you and cheated on your mom. That was a pretty good reason for your mom to leave him." He interrupted me.

"It was her choice. She wanted to break up with him."

I nodded and gave him a smile. I understood what he was saying, but i still felt a small piece of guilt inside of me. Maybe they wouldn't have broken up if dad didn't find out about me being into boys. Or at least into Even.

"Just shut up and kiss me." I said to him.

He pulled me closer to himself and kissed me. I really needed moments like this, but mostly i needed him. Like now, just in few seconds he made me feel better in a way no one else ever could. It would be so hard to let go of that.

"You'll never lose me, remember that?"

He pulled away and broke our kiss. It was as if he was reading my mind, and it made me scared. It made me really scared of how well he actually knew me.

"Yeah".

Then i heard our door open again, and i freaked out immediately. I had never been nervous of meeting my own mother, but this time i somehow was.

"What should i do?" I whispered to Even, while standing more still than ever in my whole life.

"Stop being a pussy and a drama-queen at the same time."

I saw all the other boys greeting my mom  happily hugging her, while i stayed in the kitchen like an idiot. God, what was wrong with me? I totally had to get my shit together.

"Isak!"

I woke up from my thoughts, when i heard mom calling me by my name and walking into the kitchen.
And she looked so, so happy. Her face was glowing, and the old, dark bags under her eyes had dissappeared.

"Hi!" I hugged her for few seconds.

It wasn't awkward at all. And it was better when Even was next to me the whole time. We talked about how my school was, about the trip to the cabin with Lucas and the boys, and about dad.
Turned out that mom hadn't heard about or seen dad after they got the divorce. I was sad, but relieved at the same time.

"Does he hate me?" I asked as the three of us were sitting at the kitchen table.

The other boys were still in the living room, so they didn't hear anything we were talking about.

"Of course not! Why would he?"

"Because i like boys, obviously."

I knew mom was fine with the fact that i liked boys, or at least one boy, but somehow she still managed to look dissapointed and betrayed after what i had said.

"He could never hate you. After all you're still his son, no matter what." Mom mentioned.

I rolled my eyes and took a few deep breaths. Everyone knew that wasn't true at all. He did hate me, a lot. Practically, i wasn't even his son. He would never approve a fag to be one.

"Whatever." I said.

Even squeezed my hand underneath the table, and i realized how rude i had been towards mom. I decided to swallow my pride.

"I-i'm sorry, mom. I didn't mean for it to come out in that way."

"There's just been a lot of stress about everything. I'll probably fail chemistry and people suck at school. I have trouble with paying my part of the rent and other stuff." I explained.

"But seriously, i'm fine."

Mom and Even both stared at me like i was insane, without saying anything.

"Honey, i didn't know-"

"Mom, it's fine." I was repeating myself.

I finished the coffee that i had been drinking, and got up from the table. I walked into the living room where the boys were, Even following. They all turned to look at us as we sat onto the floor, as the sofa was already taken.

"What happened?" Jonas asked.

"Nothing interesting."

They all knew i didn't want to talk about it right now, so they just continued playing their video games. Even and i sat in silence, staring at the television's screen.

The rest of the week was going to be hard. But at least i had my adorable boyfriend, my best friends and my favorite cousin with me.

"Dear diary,

I'm now at mom's house with the boys, Even and Lucas. It has been, well, different than usually.

It's weird to watch someone who you have loved, and who has loved you so much for a lifetime to turn into a complete stranger to you. Someone, who has taken care of you for your whole life and who's the most important person to you from all the people in the world. It's hard, but it's just life.
I shouldn't take anything that happens too seriously, because i know that after all everything's going to be good. At least for a while.

Shit, now i'm starting to sound like Even. Are we spending too much time together??? Is this healthy??

-Isak, 29.10.2016"