The Battlefield Within Me & Out

My Dear Helian

I'm not poetic enough to describe in a way that fits him, but I'm willing to say that he is like a sunflower. True to its name, it's the flower of the sun. Its close resemblance of it to the sun earned its name and I'm glad it was named that way. For it's true that the sunflower is strong and bright. It stands tall and pretty, and receives its life from the rays of the sun several light years away. But most of all, he resembles it. Regal and elegant yet reckless and optimistic — that's the way he is and lives life without a care in the world. Indeed, he worries and he takes extreme measures for my sake, but I know it's his good intention to help a helpless person like me.

Someone that shines like him shouldn't stay with a gloomy person like myself. He'd have met so many new people and see so many places if only he didn't stay behind with me. Yet I can't bring myself to push him away. Simply put, I'm attracted to him, for he has something that I do not have. I'm always reminded of that fact that I'd go and take up the blade... And he always comes and saves me. His words brought me a sense of comfort that gave me another thought of maybe trying to live again. At least, for his sake. I know it's difficult to bring someone like me back out in the sun and he always persists in doing so, despite my defiance. He faces everything with a brave front, and fights with a righteous heart and a fair sense of justice with a gentle touch. He's indeed strong, in that regard — like a sunflower who refuses to sway and wilt on a dry day.

However, I do know he still wilts every now and then. I'd hear him crying and when I ask, he merely smiles and says he's fine. It pains me to see him like that but I can't find the courage to comfort him in his darkest hour. It didn't stop with that. I keep hearing him mumbling. Saying under his breath of the hatred he holds for himself and frustration he has against the world and how much he wants to have everything disappear. It was then I realized of how much he resents and despises everything in this world. He's strong yet weak. He's courageous yet cowardly. He's beautiful yet ugly. In a way that I thought would never know about.

Nevertheless, he continues living with a kind heart and a bright smile, and I sometimes find myself thinking of protecting this precious person who have taken the brunt of reality for me. This pathetic, powerless me.

I know I can't protect him from everything, but at the very least, I want him to find a sanctuary in me where he can freely be himself and find no kind of grief and sorrow that would bring tears to his eyes. It's too much to ask for, but I'm willing to give it my all for my one and only sunflower. My sweet and fragile Helian.

- Thusio, his other half