The diary of an anxious teen

Day one

7/15/18

My mother and father are wonderful people whom I love very much. My father works as a field scientist. My mother works five different jobs and i find it quite respectable. But like any family it's not as perfect as you may think. My father is not home during the day and my mother is asleep so during the summer i have the wonderful serine silence to listen to while I read. My mom leaves a few hours before I go to bed she can wake up midday and we will have a fun conversation here and there. But as i am a teenager my opinion is most likely biased in the way that i can perceive things. But this is simply a place to let go to let my hair down. You see my mother has a harsh sounding tone, one that usually triggers my depression and anxiety. And when that is mixed with her telling me i have done and inadequate job or reminding me to do something i believe is fairly obvious I break. My father has his way of doing it to. I have a thing where i have to do the things I do right if i don't and someone points out i messed up i feel like a failure if someone wrongly accuses me of lying i feel mistreated misunderstood. My mother puts things bluntly to get it over with but for me, that makes it worse it hurts me, my shield is made of glass i am easy to break. My appearance doesn't seem so but don't judge a book by it's cover. My father will simply sit there calmly and sight look at me with a look of pity, point out the logic in things that I have unconsciously done. It makes me feel like he pities me for being such a failure for being a horrible person. I have spent more time with my father than my mother because she is new. You see she is my step mother,my father says im using the stories in my head to make her out as evil. In this case i am not i don't think of her as evil i simply think of her as someone i don't mix with. I do sometimes but i don't more often than not. When I am upset and state my opinion they think i am biting. Most of the time i am but sometimes i don't and it hurts. The way they talk to me when i have done something wrong makes me feel evil. I become upset and I don't want to eat i want to live but only as a hermit. You see i love them so much, which is why it hurts as much as it does i feel like i have to fight to show them im not evil i'm not a liar. I'm not good with people. They make me feel anxious messing up does to i have messed up so many times and been scolded by it that when it happened I shatter. When i do i hide behind walls of sarcasm, biting, and humor. I feel like I can't let them see how much they hurt me or they might think im trying to manipulate them. It only makes it worse, something is wrong with my head got better for a while but im becoming more paranoid. I don't think im ok any more i fear i'm going crazy but i know that i'm not. But i don't know what's happening and i can't rely on happy pills to fix it. But i don't know how to fix it myself.

It's time to abandon you for today.