below the surface →︎ trans peter parker

nine

"holy shit man, you look great!"

"ned i just saw you last week in school."

"no no, you've changed. you have that avengers glow."

"i have the what?"

i stared at ned, trying to understand what he's saying. most of the time we're on the same page as always, and then he goes and says shit like that.

"peter you're an avenger now! you're glowing from coolness."

"im not glowing." i whined.

"you're an avenger, thats what they do. they glow."

"thats not why i'm glowing."

"so you admit, you are glowing." he cheers on.

"ok, fine, im glowing. but its not because im an avenger." i sighed.

"then why, my friend, are you glowing?"

"they all found out." i say. he stands dumbfounded.

"found out about what?"

"ned."

"peter."

"ned."

he pauses for a minute.

"OHHH."

"yeah."

"oh- oh shit. you told them?" he says, almost concerned in a way.

"i left my T in the bathroom, just in a cabinet behind the sink."

"and?"

"and, tony randomly when through my room and found it."

"you call him tony like its nothing."

"its not nothing its totally fun to say that i mean he's tony freaking stark-"

"he's tony freaking stark-" ned wheezes.

"ok, ANYWAYS, he thought it was like hard drugs or something and yelled at me in front of everyone and i had to save myself so i told them the truth."

"that sounds rough dude."

"yeah it was. but whatever they know now and it's kind of weird but its also relieving because now i don't have this giant secret to hide anymore."

"maybe not to them." he said blankly.

"what the hell does that mean?"

"well mj doesn't know."

holy shit how did i forget about mj. i know i've been occupied but how could i forget about her.

i remember her walking past me first day of freshman year. everybody was new, it was a specialty school so kids only know each other from social media or sports or something.

i knew a lot of faces, but not hers. her hair was all messy and she kind of looked like she just rolled out of bed, but she pulled it off really well.

she looked like she'd rather be anywhere else than that school. i mean, we were all thinking it. but she really showed it.

we wound up having fourth, fifth, and sixth period together. fifth period was lunch. she was in the same boat as me and ned; not friends with enough people, sitting alone at an empty table. she sat far on the other end of the table at the beginning of the year, but we slowly all became friends.

not as close and me and ned, i don't think anyone could ever be as close to each other like me and ned. but at least mutual buddies that talked at lunch.

but this year is when i really fell for her. we were still mutual friends like before, but she started lighting this spark in me.

i've never been good at flirting with anyone, i'm insanely awkward around anyone, let alone the girl i like.

"dude. why'd you have to dim my glow?"

"sorry bro, just thinking ahead."

"its ok. but shit i never really thought about that. what if we start dating? i can't tell her she'll just change like everyone does when i tell them."

"everyone? i didn't change."

"eh..."

"how did i change, peter?"

"you just started being a little more sensitive."

"damn. sorry for caring, you ass."

"you know i don't mean it like that."

"yeah i know, i'm messing with you man."

we chilled out on his couch, watching old movies and binging on everything in ned's kitchen.

i don't know why i felt so relaxed and almost relived to be doing this. all the drama at the facility has become so big that doing small shit like this was good for me. really good.

i'm starting to feel normal again.

sometimes i wish i never got bit by that stupid spider. i still wouldn't be all norma because, you know, i'm transgender and all, but it would be a hell of a lot more normal than swinging along the building towering over the city.

it was nice sometimes. i think about all the people i saved. it calms me down. knowing that even though my life is so complicated because of my abilities, at least i made these people's lives a lot less complicated not having to deal with the death of a loved one.

im noticing i tend to rant a lot, to myself. is it sad or mysterious? probably both. but hey, it's a lot better than bothering everyone around me.

everyone i know is so nice and all, they all say i can talk to them about anything. but theres some things not many people understand. i don't have any trans friends, nor superhero friends, or at least ones my age.

could you imagine? like my school was just filled with other superheroes. i try to imagine what mr.stark and the rest of the avengers were like when they were in high school. if they had ever been in a high school at all.

what the hell was high school like in the 40s. or earlier. when the hell was cap in high school? i may be good at math, but that doesn't make me any less lazy.

mr.stark was probably the biggest stud in high school, him being rich and all. he was probably the most popular kid. did he even go to high school? i mean, he was, or is, insanely smart.

i wish i had the resources he did to be that smart and rich and logical. maybe if we were living in a small apartment in queens, or ben was still alive. or if my parents were alive. if i was with them. happy, secure with my family.

i mean, aunt may is of course the best woman ever and she's insanely good at being my mother-figure. but its not exactly the same as having my parents around.

i don't know. maybe i'm just going off again for no reason, i hope she never finds out i said this. she knows i love her.

god, someone needs to shut me up sometimes.

-

AUTHORS NOTE

FUCK MARVEL. FUCK SONY. GIVE ME MY PETER BACK. YALL SUCK ASS. BOOHOO YOU WANT EXTRA CASH, START A FUCKING GO FUND ME OR SOMETHING AND LET THE PEOPLE BE HAPPY YOU IGNORANT SLUTS.