My Favorite Quotes

Quotes

If you ever begin to wonder if he is the one, ask yourself:

Does his laughter warm your body from the inside out? He knows that when you say two scoops you really mean three, right? Do you dance in his living room while drinking cheap wine? I hope so, and I hope you're both drunk and terrible and laughing so hard you cry. Does he tell you how beautiful you are, and if yes, does he say it when the morning light falls upon your face? More importantly, when he tells you, do you believe him? Can you cry in front of him? I hope you can, that means you trust him. When it's pouring rain does he know that if your hair is curled or your eyes are sad that means he should get the car and bring it to you? When he asks what you want for dinner and you say you aren't hungry, does he ask if you've eaten today? And when you say you had breakfast, I hope he knows you don't eat breakfast, and makes you a bowl of rice, because that's your favorite comfort food. Does he kiss you good morning? Good night? Just because? Do you know he likes his coffee black? Unless he wants it cooled, then he will probably want some milk in it, but not too much. Do you know when he prefers tea to coffee? I never quite figured that out with your father, so if you have, you're a better woman than I. Have you figured out where he's ticklish? Don't let him convince you he's not, I promise you he is. Have you frustrated the hell out of him yet? You will, oh you will, but it's how you two come out of it that matters. And when he said he loved you for the very first time, did you respond by asking if he's afraid of heights? I hope with my entire soul that he said yes because that means, despite his fear, he fell for you. Now, darling, you tell me, is he the one?"

It scares me to death to think that one day I might look back into my life and realize that I lived it painfully ordinary.

Notice the people who are happy for your happiness, and sad for your sadness. They're the ones who deserve special places in your heart.

One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.

(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)

Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.

Three: Sex is not just about friction. It's about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she'll help you find her clitoris.

Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn't masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.

Five: Don't put anything in her butthole you wouldn't want in your own.

(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it's kinda awesome.)

Six: When you go down on her-and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it-tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.

Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.

Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.