Pain gets too much some times, from since I can remember I have always thought of myself as worthless that why I slept a lot I didn’t have to hear the voice in my head say that I was ugly, worthless, a mistake and dint deserve anything I had and I only deserved death. I am not good enough for the nice clothes or food. I will never take the last piece of food at the table as someone better deserved it someone with a future. I have survived 16 years with these thoughts, I am anorexic, a cutter, depressed. I always put on a brave face and no one knows the full extent of what happens in my mind. There will be no cure for me I will always life with the voice telling me I’m fat, stupid, useless and it I know this is true. I have tried to commit suicide but something always stops me. I am dyslexic and everyone I meet always says I am not even though I was tested and it says I was but I am being tested again as they don’t believe it. Begin dyslexic makes why I am so stupid not as bad I know I a little different, without it I just become more worthless I can’t handle late. I was told that they were surprised that I got in my a-level courses at college due to the fact I got mostly C’s in my GCSE’S that hurt as it came from a teacher, I feel low, worthless and a failure when they said that. I didn’t go to college the next day I just thought what is the point I am just going to fail. About 7 suicide thoughts have ran through my mind. My own family don’t believe me but I am I quite child, I just my parent to love me and take notice but they don’t. I just smile through the pain now. People just tell me I am grieving as my auntie who was a better mom than my own mom died from cancer 3 years ago and we stayed in the hospital for week while she died but I know that I have been like this my whole life. I can only thing of one time in my life where I was truly happy which was when I was 4 and we were on holiday and there was a disco and I enjoyed it but there hasn’t been a moment where I was proud of myself. I am the mistake child of my family, my sister has told me she hated me when I was born as it meant she had to share a room, she has verbally bullied me my whole life but she doesn’t realise she always called me fat, stupid and ugly. She has physically bullied me only a few times for example pushing me so I fall over, throwing a plastic cup at me which ended in a trip to the emergency room. Not once I have said anything back to her. I know people have a worst life than me but I haven’t experienced that. I just want it to stop I want to end it all and maybe someday I will when I am not weak or stupid. I am not good at anything I am even failing at existing. I know if I died now no one would miss me they would just go with their life’s and forget about me as I am not popular or famous I will just disappear into the back ground.
I know this doesn’t make sense I just wrote and I couldn’t stop and I am only sharing as I have to tell someone as my own best friend doesn’t know how bad it is and I know strangers don’t judge and just need someone to know.
