prove me wrong

one

april 30th, 2019.

5:00 a.m.

fort wayne, indiana.

"honey, wake up, we've got to go. finish packing your things up and we'll be on our way."

my mom's voice seems like it echoes through my room.

my eyes flutter open to my pitch black room, and it's hard for them to adjust.

i slowly sit up in bed and rub my eyes, hoping it will wake me up more. it didn't.

i get up to turn a lamp on, and i'm faced with an almost empty room. my whole life is packed up in a few cardboard boxes, which are about to be shoved into the back of my mom's minivan.

i really don't want to move. don't get me wrong, i'm miserable here, but i don't think moving to a new place will change that very much. mom had a better job offer in arizona, though, so it wasn't really something i wanted to make a huge disruption about.

i hop in the shower really quick, then get out to wash my face and brush my teeth.

i don't bother putting my contacts in since i know it's going to be a long trip, and i will be sleeping a lot on the way. i wipe away the fog on my glasses from the hot shower, and put them back on.

i dry my hair with a towel and don't do anything else to it. i also don't put any makeup on or anything like that. i hate makeup, it feels so gross on my face. so i never wear it.

after that i put on some undergarments, an oversized sweatshirt and leggings. i'm not really one to ever wear anything fancy, especially at 5:00 o'clock in the morning.

i pack the rest of my stuff up and slip my slides on, then take my stuff out to the vehicle.

"about time you came out," my brother, hayden, teases.

"shut up," i yawn, only then realizing how exhausted i am.

i reluctantly ask him for help since last night i insisted i could get it all by myself in the morning, but i am just way too tired to deal with packing all this shit out on my own.

he comes inside and helps me take out the last few boxes, then mom finally comes out with her purse and keys in hand.

"so glad i got my stuff in the van last night," she lets out a sigh as a relief.

hayden and i both know that was just a slur at us for packing our stuff last minute.

i just roll my eyes and get in the van. i sigh as i know how long of a trip is ahead of us.

i let hayden call shotgun before i can, mainly because i want to sleep in the back.

i put my headphones in as mom starts up the van, and we leave for the last time.

i can see a little bit of the house the way i'm laying. it's hard to believe that after all these years of living here, we're having to leave. i have all sort of mixed emotions about it, but i don't really know which one i'm mainly feeling.

one thing that i do know, is that i wish dad were here. it's been about 4 years since he left, and even though he left because he cheated on mom, i still miss him. it wasn't like him to just go off and leave us without even saying goodbye, but i guess he was too ashamed to. i try to be there for mom as best as i can but there's only so much i can do. she seems to be doing better everyday, though. i wish i could say the same. 

i push the thoughts out of my head as i know what will happen if i allow myself to think about it any longer. i turn my music up a little bit louder and eventually just focus on the words of the song.

soon my eyelids feel droopy, and i fall asleep.

~~