Endless

12 Days Before

12 DAYS BEFORE

I have been sitting outside her room for the past two days just watching her making sure she is okay. Marcus has been with me the whole time, neither of a us moving except when it's our turn for a food or bathroom break. Noah has come by a few times, never once wanting to go into her room. It's so hard to watch her, she still refuses to eat, and i can see her bones beginning to stick out at odd angles again and it scares me. Marcus doesn't flinch at the sight of them though, i assume he has been through many of these relapses with her. It just takes time it's not going to be easy.

We watched her choke on her feeding tube yesterday as they finally tried to shove it down her nose. She pulled it out 2 hours later. I cried so many tears i really don't believe i have anything left, i feel for Elliot and Noah, because i am neglecting them to take care of a girl who doesn't want taking care of. It makes me smile though to be reminded of how well my little man is growing up, he said that he can always have me, but that Peyton needs me now so that he can have his sister back. He is scared for her and i don't know how to tell him what's really going on.

Marcus comes back and sits beside me on the sofa. He hands me a coffee.
"Thanks."
"No problem," he takes a sip of his coffee, "anything happen while I was gone?"
"Nope same old, same old," I say worn out and tired. "I think it's time you go in there though Marcus, see if you can change her mind, bring her back to us."
"I'm not so sure I am ready for that," he glances at me, looking for some guidance.
"I hate to push you Marcus, but we are running out of time here." I sigh and turn away from him to look back at Peyton. It feels like she is an animal in a zoo, that we are just watching and waiting to do something interesting. Sheltered from us behind protective glass. "After what she has been through and the fact that she has stopped eating again, her body will shut down within the next couple of days if we are lucky, but its probably closer to hours."

He rubs his thighs and finishes his coffee, "Okay." He stands and moves to place his empty coffee cup in the trash, before taking a deep breath.

*        *        *

Breathe in, breathe out Marcus. You can not lose her again. She is everything, you love her more than anything, this is your one chance to do right by her. I move away from the trash can and open the sliding door to her room, closing it behind me. I stand frozen staring at her back, the silence in the air suffocating.

"What do you want?" she snaps out, no emotion in her voice at all.
"You." I state, before slowly moving around the bed so i am on the opposite side, i kneel down in front of her so i can look her in the eyes. They are empty and cold. "Bug please don't let them win, Liv needs you. Noah needs you." I reach my hand out towards her face, stopping short as she flinches backwards away from me. "I need you." I breathe out.

There she is, it was only brief and only i quick shimmer behind her eyes, but she heard me and she is in there. "Please bug, I'm not leaving you. Liv is not leaving you. She is sitting out there waiting for you to let her in, she has not moved, she has not showered, she has not gotten changed. The only time she has seen Noah is when Elliot brings him to the hospital. She is doing what she can for you, she will not leave you Peyton." I watch as her soul filters back into her eyes, back into her body and the tears fall. I reach out to her again, and this time she lets me touch her. She moves her cheek into my hand, before moving her face and placing a soft kiss in the centre of my palm. "Let her in bugs."

The tears fall as she rubs her nose into my palm, placing another soft kiss there. "I can't." she softly breathes into it. "She deserves better than me, she needs to be there for Noah." She looks up at me through her long lashes. I place my other hand on her face before leaning in and placing a soft kiss on her lips. A small smile tugging at the edge of her mouth as i pull away.
"She never broke her promise to you bug. She was left with an impossible choice, she couldn't lose you. She still can't." 

She pulls her face from between my hands and uses all her strength to sit up in front of me. My beautiful Peyton appearing slowly piece by piece, the longer i stay in front of her.
"Kiss me again." 
I stand up in front of her and grab hold of her face, i crash my lips down onto hers and feel her open up to me, i run my tongue along her bottom lip. Savering every moment. We fight for dominance as her tongue enters my mouth. God I have missed her, so much. I just can't get enough. I break away from her and place my forehead on hers, staring deep into her eyes.
"Ouch," she breathes out.
"Sorry bug," I run my thumb along her lip, before placing a quick kiss on her lips, "please don't push Liv out Peyton."

I watch her turn and look over her shoulder towards Liv. I can see Liv look up at her and i watch the tears stream down her face, and she starts to sob as i watch Peyton shake her head and turn back towards me. She lies back down on the bed her back still turned to Liv.
"At least eat for her please," she nods and i hand her the jello that is on the tray next to her. She starts eating it as i catch Liv through the window as she stands up, shakes her head and walks away.

*        *        *

I see Marcus look out the window and i imagine he is watching Liv walking away. He moves and leaves to catch up with her. I wish i could give her watch she needs. I will fight though, Marcus is right, she loves me and i was just looking for an excuse to give up; but i don't really have one.

I will fight for as long as i can, but if i relapse again that will be it. I can't keep this up forever, but for now maybe it is worth it.