Letter To My Online Crush

It's 1:28am on 2nd of July. Wala pang 2am para sa 2am thoughts. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sisimulan at kung saan ito mapupunta.




I have always been a frustrated artist. I love the arts. Unfortunately, it didn't love me back. That's why I have so much respect for artists. I want to be like them but I have accepted that it's not my path to take.




Then the year 2018 came, I have discovered the artist, Xypher. Your works made me feel things. Things I did not even know I can relate so much with art. I knew that I have got this budding crush for the artist. Heck, I did not even know what you looked like, or your age or gender.




It has been 6 months already. So it has been 6 months ago when I first messaged you in your art page in Instagram. It was an IG Story of your selfie. I did not even expect you to reply but you did. It was an ecstatic feeling. Who would imagine that a known artist in social media with so many followers, would be replying to my messages.




Before 2018 ends, I bravely confessed to you that I have a crush on you. Akala ko hindi mo pinansin kasi mas tinanong mo pa kung paano ko nalaman na Calyx yung pangalan mo. But the chat went on, I thought you have forgotten that. And I went on.




I did not know when I realized that I like you not just for being an outstanding artist but also as a person. But I'm sure that I like you for being who you are- what you have shown me at least. Mas nakaclose pa kita kesa sa ibang blocmates ko from college at old friends ko from high school. Siguro rin kasi our personalities clicked together. Friendship was built online. I have fun talking with you almost everyday for the past 6 months - every day happenings, rants in life, embarrassing moments, and even secrets that both of us only knew. I have been able to know you well.




I'm just genuinely happy seeing you grow as an artist and be a successful one. Ibang level ka na ngayon eh, hindi ko na mareach. In a more serious note, I'm hoping that more opportunities will open for you-- opportunities that will put you to challenges yet soaring in greater heights!





Let's go to the core of this. Here it goes:





I actually did not plan to ask you if there's a chance for us because like I've said before, you have directly and indirectly said that you do not want to be in a relationship right now. But, I owe it to myself for asking. I have to clear things up.




I feel pathetic na rin minsan, na I have to get your attention, one way or the other, just to start a conversation with you. Kapag inisip mo yun, ang petty, right? Ang toxic na rin kasi it's obviously a hopeless unrequited feeling, pero I keep asserting that there might be a chance. I don't even know if there's any light to hope for. But I guess, it doesn't have any spark to begin with. Sabi nga ng friends ko, ang tanga tanga ko daw kasi you rejected my feelings na pero I keep on chatting you pa.




You may ask why am I saying things like these or why did I even bother to send this. Well, this would be my moving on message. I also owe it to myself to move on from these feelings. If I want to be sane, I need to let go of these feelings.




Don't worry, I have accepted a lot of things already. Hindi na ako umaasa na merong "tayo" kasi nga sabi ko sayo na in the past 6 months, I have known you well. And as the song of Michael St Laurent "Know You Well" say:




"Because I know you too well, that you don't feel the same way."