the boy | wowkwan

-',03

sehyoon was fifteen when he had his first sexual encounter.

he didn't quite remember the exact day or month, he didn't even remember the name of the woman, only knowing she was an old colleague of his mom, but he remembered exactly what she has said to him right before she unbottoned his shirt:

"i know guys like you", she purred into his ear as her brightly red manicured hands roamed his chest-area. "you think you're big and strong but let me tell you one thing, right at this moment you're nothing. your worth only depends on me."

these simple words slowly came back when his father left their family when he was turning sixteen. crawled back into his mind when his first boyfriend (or rather a summer fling when his mother made him visit his grandparents in busan over the holidays) broke up because "a long-distance - relationship would not make any sense".
it was not like sehyoon desperately tried to hold on to the woman who had taken his virginity or anything, heck, she didn't mean anything to him even before he knew what sexual harassment and abuse exactly ment. but it was as if his body or rather his conscense was cradling itself into some sort of surpression of his deepest emotions.

it was like he didn't have the control over his self that he would wish to have. sehyoon quickly understood that it was just some sort of reflexive coping mechanism of his psyche to get used to the losses he had to go through when he was a child. at least that's what the therapist his mother had made him go through told him, just after his grandfather passed away and sehyoon refused all his meals for a whole week.

"which type of person do you want to be?"
which type of person did he want to be?

when the redhead uttered these words, his cold eyes piercing through his like a poisoned needle, sehyoon was slowly finding himself in the body of his fifteen year old self, body tingling with excitement of doing "it" for the first time with a more than experienced older woman. just like he had seen in the porn videos he had kept hidden on his pre-puperty laptop.

right at this moment he felt what he had felt on all these occasions all these years ago: he had felt worthless, felt absolutely helpless and most importantly, he had felt dominated. eventhough his body was glazed with fear, his limbs shaking from pure angst and he recalled all the happy moments of his life cuz he was pretty sure he was going to be shot or even beheaded by these maniacs, a familiar feeling arose inside of his core which fastened his heartbeat: arousal.

his eyes scanned over the dark room he was being held hostage. this pupils slowly focused on the other two kidnappers who were eyeing him from head to toe, waiting for their next command by their boss. sehyoon saw how byeongkwan bit his lip just as their eyes met for a split second. he was not going to lie: he was really attractive. he'd expect that most people would be kind of  scared off by his flashy apperance, maybe even mistake him as a woman. but sehyoon was strangely drawn to the confidence he radiated by wearing the glitter on his face. there were many things that would fancy sehyoon's interest. like red lingery or a piercing nobody would really know of except the person wearing it. but there was nothing more attractive to him than confidence. and yuchan and byeongkwan were blessed with a lot of it which made the whole being-held-hostage-thing way more difficult for him than expected.

sehyoon was definetly not keen on ddveloping a stockholm syndrome. that was not his ideal type of way of leaving his life behind. he rather wanted to die during a drug heist or during a shooting after his cover was blown during a mission.

the deep sigh of the man infront of him quickly woke him up from his deep thoughts. yuchan pursed his lips, clicked his tounge as he stood up apruptly.

"byeongkwan, junhee, get everything ready. call park and seo. tell them we need a new sack for the corpse and some of the additional footage for our security cameras. you should also talk to seojin, our alibis should match up."