Buy Fire Emblem: Three Houses

July 26th

You are Baffour Adu. You work at your local Walmart, behind the cash register. Everyday you are greeted by old women who pinch your cheeks and call you cute. You appreciate the compliments but old women are not your type. This in turn, makes you feel a bit lonely. It's alright though.
     Every night, you come home after a long day of work to your friends on Discord, where you talk about the mundane little things in life. It is nothing extravagant but you are content nonetheless. You talk about how excited you are for Fire Emblem: Three Houses, the next installment Nintendo had announced in a direct on June 12, 2018. Oh, Edelgard...
      One fateful day, after a disgusting display from your fake e-dating friends, you hear a knock at your door. You are very confused. Your Fire Emblem: Three Houses Warfare edition is not supposed to be here until July 26th. No one else would be knocking on your door. You have nailed wooden planks all over the entrances of your house. No one is getting in or out until you finish the game. This is the best way to avoid spoilers. You hug your mommy Camilla plush tightly, slightly worried.
      Then, you, Baffour Adu stand up. You quietly walk over to the small eyehole in your door and peer into it.
      "Hello Baffour Hajime Robin Narukami Byleth Adu." A giant copy of Fire Emblem: Three Houses is standing outside your door. You stumble backwards, the wind knocked out of you.
     She's... stunning... you think. "Th-that's me, yes!" You shout, waking up all your simblings and parents as they suddenly suffer from shock.
     You grab the hammer sitting conveniently right next to you and start violently ripping off the barricade stopping you from looking at the sexy plastic box standing outside your door.
     "I'm cuming!" You scream as you break the last board. Nothing is standing in your way now. The door bursts open and Fire Emblem: Three Houses leaps into your arms. You can feel her big yiddies pressing into your chest from underneath the plastic wrap. You find yourself blushing.
      "Oh Baffy-waffy..." she coos softly. "Please open me up..."
      You swallow, your large hands slowly prying your new girlfriend open... inside is a small cartridge. Fire Emblem... Three Houses...
      She stares at you, her face all red. The cartridge must be her erogenous zone. You must complete this task delicately and slowly. You trace your fingers slowly over to the groove that holds the game inside. Painstakingly slow, dramatically, you pull it out with shaking hands. She breathes heavily, her lips trembling.
      "Let's... do it... Baffour... Daddy."  And you did.

Both of you decided to pick the Black Eagles house and played Fire Emblem: Three Houses all night. And it was the best game ever. Fuck you Key x Hunter.