It's currently 11pm and I'm laying in bed thinking of you. Thought I'd just write down a few things. I don't even know if I'll let you read this, I don't want you to think I'm too sweet or too affectionate or whatever. If it were for me, I'd tell you "I love you" every single day.
Because I do. I love you. So much it makes me cry, and it makes me feel something in my heart, like it's gonna explode or something (so if I ever suddenly die it's your fault).
Most days I can cope, but today I really am feeling this stupid distance. I feel extremely emotional right now and I hate it.
But yeah, keep reading because I have a few things to say.
All my life I've been wanting to die. I never had any reason to be happy or content. But then I found you. Loving you is scary because you make me not want to die, which is weird to me. Not wanting to die is weird. And scary. You make me question everything. You make me want to actually try and be a little bit less of a shitty person. Sometimes the love I feel for you is stronger than all the sadness. It makes me forget all the bad thoughts, all the fears and anxieties. And yeah, I still get depressed. I have my bad days, but even then, when I feel like I want to die, I stop and think "but if I die I won't get to hug him". That usually is enough to get me out of that mindset. I guess it was my lucky day when I met you.
