I don't know..

I don't know how much more I can take..

I don't know how much longer I can keep pretending

It hurts just by breathing

I'm awake; I cannot sleep

It feels like I haven't slept for years--oh wait; that's because I haven't

I haven't slept since my brother died

Physically

And emotionally

It's been a week that i'm up once again--not sleeping

I don't like to sleep anymore anyways

I have nightmares that honestly scares me so much

I see him

The man that hurt me

The man that took a part of me with him

The man that made me who I am today

The man who took sleep away from me

The man that keeps making me hallucinate him

The man that made me so terrified of men

The man that took my virginity

The man that raped me

Raped...

Can you believe it?

Me?

Raped?

I know hard to believe.

But as much as I hate admitting it;It's true

He was fifty years old

And I was four-teen

And the worst part is

That it was on my birthday

On my four-teenth birthday I got raped by a fifty year old man

Who happens to be a male nurse

And who happens to be named Ben

Ben...

I've always loved that name

I have a brother named Ben

He's my world

But sometimes he's the death of me

But I wouldn't trade him for anything

Everytime I hear the name Ben

A little part of me breaks in the inside of my organs

All over again

Just like

Two-thousand-and-fourteen

Numbness

How do i feel numb?

What makes me numb?

Simple

self-harming

Fuck

You have no idea how good it feels to self-harm

After having a really shitty day

Or when something triggers me

Or when someone is mean to me

Or when I just feel like I have too

Or when I'm just depressed--for no reason at all

It's hard

It's hard to stop doing the one thing you always counted on

The blade..