What Are You Doing?

Back on the Rocks

Author's note:

I've just finally been able to watch epi 49 with subtitles and had to spew out my own embellishment of the last scene...

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"I really don't understand you Sanem- I don't."  Can was truly reeling.  Trying to take his father's parting advice, he's kept himself open to her.  To learn more about her, about them.  Just to get to know her again, but - she was so...  incongruous.  Contradictory.  Exhausting.  Talk about hot and cold- Allah-Allah!   "One day you're warm, <and so alluring>  the next you're cold, <even then, endearing>.  You ignore me, then you're jealous.  You go right, then left...  What are you doing Sanem??"

She was so lost...  losing herself in all this strife.  Up and down, hopeful, then hopeless.  Happy then hurt...

S- "Why does it matter?"

C- "It matters."

S- "I'm asking you, why? Tell me."

C- "I'll stop looking for you in these lost two years."

S- "Don't look. You won't find me. I'm not there."

He took pause at that. She's always seemed to want to fight so hard... this didn't sound like her.

S- "Anyway, you're right."

Can was so perplexed with her.  She wasn't helping him understand.  "Ok, I'm right... but you haven't answered me...  why are you all over the place Sanem?"  He saw something change in her face.  He wasn't sure if it was a moment of self-realization that had just dawned on her... a look of resolve?  Or was it resignation?

S- "I keep fighting with myself Can.  'Give him space, I'm suffocating him- fight for his love- back off- find his memories- stop pushing'- Ah! - I flip-flop with trying to keep you.  I don't know how to keep you. To keep us.  To me, you're my life, my other half, so I'm warm in those moments, but then-  I feel I'm pushing you...  To you, I'm just another coworker so when I forget, and get too comfortable- too familiar with you, I see you're not comfortable with it so I recoil, and..." she released a ragged sigh, "... and-  I'm so tired.  I'm tired, Can.  I feel it's starting to beat me."  Can started to understand.  He felt badly for her and what she must be going through, but she wasn't wrong and he simply couldn't help it.  He turned his gaze out over the water as she went on-

"So, yes- Then I see you with another woman, with whom you have much more in common and I get insecure, and then jealous because, to me, you're still mine.  But then, maybe you're not really... I'm not in your heart."  Can couldn't believe she'd just used those words... the same he'd used with his father as he spoke of his struggles.  "Why do you say it like that Sanem?

S-  "Didn't you tell your father these feelings got erased from your heart?"

Ah!  She heard that?!  "Sanem, listen-"  she cut him off, "What will change if I listen?   Nothing.  You know that love that got erased from your heart?  That love is tattooed over mine!  -And I cannot get rid of it, no matter what.  I cannot erase it!  I'm about to lose it again Can!  About to go crazy- I went crazy.  I was in a mental hospital- they filled my heart, my head, my soul with medications!  But my love did not wash away!  Even through all of that! Even when I wanted it gone!"

He had no words, and he felt helpless in that moment.  Wanting to help her, but could not.  He couldn't counter any of her words.  And her last words as she finished... they fell heavy.  "I don't understand- how did it just fly out of your heart in an instant?"

He still had no answer to offer her.  No comfort, no hope.  He felt he had to try... had to say something.  "Sanem-"  She shook her head and her eyes fell closed for a moment, then she started to laugh.  It was half-assed, but it was sarcastic and bitter.  "Heh... You don't remember of course, but this memory-loss thing?  It's only about the eighth, big obstacle- utterly ridiculous obstacle we have faced."  He hadn't completely finished her book, but he knew of a couple she must be referencing.  "I've read some of that history, yes."

She was calmer now, reflective.  "I had always insisted that our love could overcome any obstacle... beat all those odds.  Together, we could beat anything that came our way."  He gestured with kind of an invitation for them to continue the trend.  She shook her head again.  "What if the fates keep throwing things in our way for a reason, and I've just been stubborn.  I mean-  should it really be this hard?  It shouldn't should it?  I mean- Maybe we're not supposed to keep each other- we were never meant for one another and only stumbled into each other because of one mistaken moment that was never supposed to happen."

Can couldn't completely grasp everything she was talking about, but he found himself a bit torn.  There was a part of him... the part that felt the truest to him since his memory loss... that of desire to be released.  Freed from the bonds he couldn't remember.  Let go of the pressure to know and even love someone he had no memory of.  But... now, he felt a profound sadness at the thought of losing her, though he hasn't really felt he's ever actually had her to lose.  The holes in his memory betray him.

With no words to counter, no consolation to offer, he remains silent and she turns to go.

He watches and then sees a flash of light, then it's dark- in the evening, and she's walking away from him still, but it's different.  They're not on the rocks anymore, and she's wearing a blue dress.  In the vision, he feels his heart rip as she goes, but his pride and stubbornness keep him silent.  He feels loss.   He feels regret.

"Sanem!"