After - The Society Fanfic.

15.

"What. The. Fuck."

Grizz freezes. Sam doesn't notice, he can't hear. Grizz pulls him off. Sam stares, confused, unsure at why there's pure horror on Grizz's face. Grizz can't move, he doesn't want to look. He can't even gesture to Sam. Sam moves up towards his face, moving a hand to cup it. Grizz is trying to plead with his eyes that Sam needs to stop, Sam needs to see who's there. He needs someone to move. Why hasn't the person spoken again? Are they just as in shock as he is? He should have gone.

What seems to be a pair of gloves flies across the room.

This causes Sam to look up, perplexed at what the hell just happened. He scrambles off Grizz, grabbing a pillow, hiding his privates. He frantically signs, Grizz can only pick up the word sorry, over and over again. His stomach drop. He knows who's there. Who else could it have been? His eyes shut. He should have gone.

Becca still hasn't moved. She's still standing in the doorway, hand hovering over the next object by her side. It's a bottle. They'd been lucky the first thing she'd found was a pair of gloves. She's angry. She's furious. She's hurt. Sam promised. Sam made a commitment. This, what is this? Her mind is racing, flipping through snapshots of the past few months, things clicking into place. His absence at Thanksgiving, he bizarre commitment to the gardens, the reaction he gave when Grizz visited them at the hospital, every linger stare they've shared, yesterday and buying the stupid baby furniture. It's all making sense. It's all making fucking sense and she's hurt.

Sam's signing at her. She's not even paying attention to what he's saying really. Her eyes are stinging. What the fuck was he playing at? She glances at Grizz, his eyes shut, pain across his face. Another stab hits her gut. Why Grizz? Why did he do it? He'd been so kind to her, no, it was for Sam. How could she have been so stupid? She thought he fancied Gwen. Oh, did Gwen know? Did everyone? Is she the last? Is she really this stupid?

Grizz opens his eyes, grabbing his boxers and throwing Sam's at him. Sam still signing, fumbles as he tries to put them on. Grizz starts gathering his clothes. Trying his best to keep his voice calm and steady, hoping to make Becca understand that he didn't mean, he really didn't mean to do this. Or was it simply, he didn't mean to get caught? He shakes his head. He can't think of that right now. He needs to make sure she's okay. Why did he do this? He should have gone."Becca, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm going to go. I need to go. I should have gone. Becca, I'm really sorry. Please, I never meant to hurt-" Grizz reaches out to her. He's pretty sure that Sam is signing pretty much the same thing as him. Becca jerks away, tensing up, not wanting to be touched, not wanting them to comfort her. There's a moment of agonizing silence as tears stream down Becca's, he doesn't think she's noticed. Anguish blanket's Sam's face, just repeating the sign sorry over and over. Grizz glances between them. What has he done? He should have gone.

"Get out." It's barely audible. Becca doesn't glance at Grizz, refusing to face him. She keeps her eyes trained on Sam's. "Get. Out." Grizz starts to gather his things, mumbling apologies, guilt soaring through his body. "GET OUT." She yells, throwing open the door, trying to push Grizz out. He's stumbling, apologising as she pushes. Sam reaches out to her, following as she assaults Grizz. There's not real strength in it, she just wants him out.

"Becca, I'm sorry." His voice breaks. He didn't want to hurt her; he didn't want to hurt them. He'd been selfish. "Becca, I'm really sorry." She continues to push him, yelling for him to leave. Sam is pained watching Grizz being pushed and shoved. He tries to pull Becca off, not wanting her to do something she'll regret and not wanting Grizz to be injured. His hearts being pulled in every direction. However, Becca shoves him away too. Grizz stands in the doorway, his clothes bundled in his arms. They hear Eden begin to cry. Becca places her hands against her head, overwhelmed by everything. She glances up to the stairs, knowing she needs to go to her child. Sam understands that means Eden's awake. He instinctively starts to move towards the steps, but Becca pushes him away.

"NO." Sam stops. Becca holds a trembling hand up at Sam. "You... You do not get to touch her. You... I can't... I can't look at you." She turns and see's Grizz is still there. "Why are you still here!? Have you not done enough? Fucking leave!" And she whisks herself up the stairs, going to try and calm a screaming Eden.

Sam and Grizz stare at where Becca had been.

The cold drifts into the house and Grizz shifts slightly. Sam moves his stare to him. Grizz is crying too. Both wrecked with guilt. Both slightly drunk. Both tired. Both know what will happen next.

"I..." Grizz can't form words. Eden's still crying but he can also hear the soft whimpers of Becca, trying desperately to shush her child whilst her heart is breaking. She's not the only one.

Sam places a hand on the door. Grizz shakes his head slightly, unsure whether he's asking him not to shut him out or apologising. Maybe it's both. Sam shuts the door. He stands, staring at the door for a moment, before turning on his heels and running in his underwear, in the cold, out into the night.

Once Sam shuts the door, he slowly moves up the stairs and into the bedroom. Becca sits, rocking back and forth on her bed, crying, holding an equally upset Eden. She notices him hovering in the doorway. "No. Go away. Fuck off, Sam." She doesn't want to look at him, doesn't want to see his pain. He doesn't get her sympathy. He doesn't get to feel like shit. He moves forward and she shakes her head, turning away from him. Sam sits on the bed next to her. He holds her. She struggles to move away to begin with, before turning in slightly, accepting the hug, sobbing into him. "Fuck you. Seriously, fuck you. Fuck you"
"I'm sorry." He murmurs into her head. They repeat themselves over and over again. Their voice growing hoarser as time passes, the words becoming barely audible whispers. Sam continues to hold Becca and she continues to hold Eden. He can't let go of her and she doesn't want him too. He made a promise. He made a commitment. He made a promise to both of them. He broke it all. He's broken everything.

*

Grizz runs practically naked through the town. He's not sure where to go. He doesn't want to go home and face Gwen, Bean and Mickey. He can't bear to deal with Allie and Will. He goes where he's always felt the most at home. The gardens. He slows as he reaches the gate, glances at the plant beds, where he and Sam have shared some moments, his stomach tightens. He swiftly moves through the beds towards the greenhouse. It's cold. It's fucking freezing actually. There's some residual heat built up from throughout the day in there. A heat lamp is over certain empty pots. There were no plants in here at the moment. He really should start turning over pots. He turns the heat lamps on. He knows he's wasting valuable resources, but he needs to keep warm.

He dresses once more and slides down the door. His face screws up and he punches the ground numerous times, bruising his knuckles and cutting them slightly on the concrete floor. He yelps in pain. He hangs his head, weeping into his hands. He should have gone; he should have gone.

Why hadn't he gone? Why had he been selfish? He said he was going to stay away and then didn't. Said he was going to keep a distance between them and then didn't. Said he'd never be left alone with them and then didn't. He literally didn't do anything right.

He knocks his head back, staring at the clouded night sky through the glass roof of the greenhouse. He'll do the right thing now. He'll focus on his job, on Allie and Will's trial. He's going to do it right now. He will. He has no choice. He's not putting Becca through tonight again. Her broken expression swirls round in his head. He shakes his head, trying to shake it away. He's not going to do this again to her. Or Eden. The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few. He is the few. His needs no longer matter.

His fist throbs and he pulls at his scarf. There's some blood over his fist and it's already a deep purple. He hadn't realised how hard he'd punched the floor. He'll need Kelly to check it out tomorrow. What if Becca has told everyone? What if she won't help him? Has this stupid selfish decision ruined it all for him? He curses to himself. That's just as selfish as what he's done. If people want to punish him, they should. He'll let them. Grizz shuts his eyes, tears still falling down his face, and wraps his jacket around him. He'll stay here for a bit, then go home. He wants to go home.