Chapter 10

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Where to start?

That was the question. Does she go straight to the new entries, see what's Violets state of mind is recently? Or does she start back at the beginning, carry on near where she left off and make her way towards the newer ones?

With a day of nothing to do ahead of her, Zara figures she might as well flip the pages to the older entries and make her way to the newer ones.

'Today's been...An odd day, to say the least. I've been feeling off the whole day already, not too sure why. Wasn't phasing me all too much until something weird happened, weird enough that right after it happened, I came here to write it down.

It's been a few weeks since the boat rescue, and things have been going back to normal, for the most part. Everyone's certainly in a much better mood now that Clementine is awake again and on the mend. Especially after that scare we had, when AJ brought her back...

I suppose the reason I've been feeling off today is because everything's gone back to normal. Which, I know, sounds weird. But it's like... Everyone's carrying on as normal, except for me. Even Clementine is up and about, determined to do everything she can despite the fact she's recovering from losing her damn leg. Then here's me; struggling to do the simplest of tasks by myself. I think that, deep down, I know it will never go back to normal for me, and today I seem to be stuck in that rut.

That's not even part of why I'm writing this. Not the reason I shot out of my seat and went searching for this book.
Everything was normal. I was sat next to Omar, having a perfectly fine conversation and then I saw Louis and Clem out of the corner of my eye. Louis and AJ had only recently come back from this scouting mission Clementine had been worried about for some time and she was... I dunno, fussing over him?

I suppose she was just all panicked about something going wrong and all that but I just sat there and watched as she was talking to him, looking him all over and patting him down for anything wrong and Louis was just... Laughing at it all, giggling really and he was just really happy about it? As in yeah, sure he was finding it funny but I could tell he was also just laughing out of happiness. Usually I see that kind of relationship shit with Aasim and Ruby and I don't really think about it that much, a bit too much if you ask me. But it wasn't until I saw Louis wrap her up in a hug to stop her from fretting any more, and listen to them collapse into giggles together that I felt something... Odd.

I was jealous. There's no doubt about it. All of a sudden, these awful things are entering my head. That it should have been me wrapping Clem up in that hug. That if I had manned up and talked to Clem when I first started to realise I liked her, that I would be in Louis' place, that I would be happy.

It took me by surprise to say the least. I had even had a conversation with Clem just earlier today, about how I liked her.  'Liked' being the key word here. Or, so I thought. I thought I had gotten over it, that how her and Louis were happily together, that I had moved on. Now, seeing them together, it's brought all these feelings back, along with some that I'd much rather not have.

I shouldn't feel this way. I know we're constantly told that 'you can't help how you feel' but this is wrong. I should be happy for them, and I am, I really am. But it doesn't stop me from wishing I was in Louis' place... And he doesn't deserve that. Doesn't deserve me wishing he wasn't as happy as he was, wishing I could replace him. Clem makes him happy, and he really does deserve that, that and so much more.

Maybe these feeling won't last. Maybe I'm just feeling a little bit, I dunno, extra sensitive or extra emotional as of late? Seeing Minnie again after a whole year, losing her, losing Tenn, having Lilly fuck with my head... I just need some time to heal properly, get my head in the right place and then surely, hopefully, these feelings will go away.'

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