It is as if I just awoken from an endless bitter hazy dream and into the harsh jagged nightmare of the delicious poison of my circumstances where pain and pleasure both burn as fire. In my current life situation, I could be fifteen or I could be twenty-five. In modern parlance you would say that I just emerged from a chronic dissociative state. I am an exotically attractive female that is higher spirited than the other children and women that were taken away after the raids on our and the surrounding villages. Here once again I am not sure of how old I was when it occurred; I could have been ten or I could have been twelve, there are strong ancestral taboos against having sex with anyone under the age of fourteen years but in war, in raids it does not matter. You are chattel to be used as the victor's desire.
I am dancing for the main mistress of the leader of the many tribes. Most believe that she is the real force behind the head chieftain. She is a gorgeous sensuous uninhibited yet firm lady with great powers and for some reason that currently I still cannot completely phantom, she is very infatuated with me. In my no power I have some power, the more I lose my self, debase myself, surrender myself to her desire, to her will, the more I let her completely dominate me sexually and spiritually, the safer and more secure I feel, temporarily I experience a small island of relief from the all-consuming loneliness, ongoing numbing shockwaves of emotional pain that keep pulling me down into the bottomless underwater sinkhole of despair. A portion of my interior that I cannot comprehend but only feel, that is not yet affected by this relentless traumatic harassment that I have unconsciously learn to slightly manipulate in my favor, conveys through signals of stabbing darkness and burning shame that this brief relief comes with a high price, I feel diminished, somehow made perpetually vulnerable.
My current state of awakening along with my desire to know myself is overwhelmed, pulled back into foggy hazy oblivion, by her will, by her desire to have me. A profound overriding apprehension arrest me, I dare not resist her, nor this ritual where I go from dancing for her and the women of lesser power than she but still under her too being lead in tow to her silky chamber where she would have me alone or have other women watch her conquest of me. What is higher in me is made even more of the slave of what is lower. The more I surrender to the overwhelming titillating sensations of this debasement the safer and more secure I feel, to my shame. Before I completely lose myself once more to the point of no return, I say to myself what I have always been saying within myself since I could remember, will this effect my soul, how will this affect my soul.
Unlike the endless prior forced seductions of me, this time I manage to hold onto a sliver of my shattered self and recall some of the origins of my current sensations and how this all came about. The numbing trauma of the raid on my village when I was a child, seeing loved ones slain, raped, beaten, tide, taken away, losing everything, the shock that feels like glass and knifes stabbing me, my body, all of me become static lost in shock, apprehension; unknown parts of me awaken through this, both the terrible shock and knew sensation are amplified exponentially. I see now that my sexuality was awoken through this all-encompassing violation over and over; losing myself in this terror, in this involuntary pleasure, in this instinct, this impulse where emotional fleeing and survival are intertwined, solidified and then later concealed. All is taken from me, all that I knew of my way of life, friends, relatives, mother, father, siblings, all of which are younger than me. I am taken away to a far unknown place, disorientated, without bearings except for a desire to find my family especially my siblings and to protect them, my life does not matter, only theirs.
I find myself with young women from scattered villages, most if not all of them were older than me. Some finely dressed people, mostly women would look us over. I was taken by a group that represented royalty. In beautiful colored luxurious expansive chambers that connect to a main marble room with a pool in it center, now I am exquisitely dressed with other women that are servants and concubines. They are constantly harassing me. For Some reason they are jealous of me. Many going as far as depriving me of food, drink a place to sleep and all sorts of subtle and not so subtle abuses. No one helps me. They all look at me scornfully as if I deserve my torment for past sins or karma. They don't even realize that they are the slave of their beliefs that keep them in a state of lasting ignorance.
I Fight back as best I can, but there are too many of them that are much more experience than me. Out of desperation I make a dramatic scene that attracts much attention. There is silence, everyone makes room for a powerful lady that approaches me. Her flowing silk captures my eyes. Her look is severe yet longing. She takes me aside. This entire place was made for her. Everyone serves her, not only the concubines of this place. She leads me to her special quarters. Still in a state of non-comprehension, I do not grasp my situation, I just want to be left alone.
This lady of power, the head chief's wife continues to single me out, when she is here, which is often, she spends most of her time alone with me. When she does not have me to herself, she is always paying special attention to me in front of everyone. Unspoken this protects me from the other women while providing me with special privileges. Unconsciously I see how far I can take this special consideration. I tell her as much as I dare of my younger siblings. She conveys to me that if I continue to be unreservedly loyal to her, she will do her best to find out wat happened to them and to made certain that they are safe. She lets me know that except for the young women and children probably everyone in my village was put to death. At times she tries her best to console me.
She teaches me her version of the dark arts of pleasure, for me it is surrender. In her litter carriage she would take me at times out side of the palace with her guards and many escorts showing me some of the wonders of the walled city and the surrounding countryside, of cutthroat's bandits and of all sorts of treachery. She explains to me how that if I ever tried to escape, these people who have nothing would not think twice about killing me, brutally raping me. She promises to take care of me, to protect me, as long as I surrender to her. I would speak to the people outside of the city to get to know their stories, all that I could about them. My mistress was entrance by how people took to me so naturally, how they shared an open up so honestly with me. Sometimes my mistress would even let me go outside without her, of course her guards were always by me . I continued to learned more about the people I encountered, their lives, their struggles, their pains many of which are similar to my own. My mistress delighted in my high spirits when I return from such excursions. My mistress was always mindful of increasing her popularity, to this end I was her Unofficial emissary.
What made me so special I wondered. My village was the most obscure, perhaps I am the most exotic looking of all the young women. My father was a chieftain, I was his favorite, I could ride a horse and shoot just as quickly as I learn to walk. I had more fire and daring than all of the other children as well as the most skilled in combat. I probably would've been one of the best warriors of our tribe, perhaps my reputation throughout outer regents marked me even in captivity.
Somehow I got lost in this delicious silky a labyrinth prison of my captors, I drank too much of the poisoned of surrender and seduction which was my only source of substance here and I lost myself . To her my mistress's credit she never tried to deceive me as far as my siblings are concern, for they had distinct birthmarks and she never told me a lie that she found them. Then again she always played on my hopes. My mistress was very smart and experienced. Some of the other women would try to seduce me, or try to console me in my moments of despair but I could see through their disingenuousness. I rebuffed them all. I passed this test.
