Dear Stanley [Watty's 2019. Completed]

Lonely

Monday, May 22nd

Dear Stanley,

I feel like I am dead. Just a ghost wandering around uselessly.

It's been horrible without Breeze. And I never know how to talk to her. I really want to, but it seems that without her with me, I can't start a conversation. I guess the entire time, our friendship was one sided with Breeze doing all the talking while I observed and responded.

I've continued going to school after she and me broke apart. People took advantage of the fact that she wasn't with me and swooped in to become her friend. Now whenever I see her, she's surrounded by people, laughing and chattering as if I was never apart of her life. I always stare at her from the corner of her eye but she never gives me even a glance.

I realize despite her avoiding me because she's angry about me lying and hiding from her, she's also trying to do what's best for me. She's trying to make it so that I'm not dependent on her for happiness. She wants me to grow by myself, she wants me to do stuff for myself without her being the reason why.

But it's hard. It's really hard. I feel so helpless whenever I see her with anyone that's not me.

Mike and Scott and the other guys that have been hanging out with her the last two weeks, and every time I pass them, they give me a mocking glare. It makes my blood boil but I don't do anything about it.

School isn't going well at all. I don't even know why I go. My teachers have been asking me if I need help, because of my horrific grades. But I always decline.

I suppose I go just to see Breeze.

I get so jealous when I see her with other people, it's unexplainable Stanley. It's like a monster within me begging to be let out. I know I shouldn't but I still do.

I eat lunch all alone where I used to. In the last table in the cafeteria. Breeze and her worshipers don't eat there though, and a small part of me hopes that Breeze didn't take them to our spot.

Besides that, Mom is also home less often then before. I overheard her fighting to Dad and she said she had to take up more jobs since Dad quit his. I feel sorry for her. But something in me feels loyal to Dad for the attention he's giving me the last few weeks. So I don't say anything.

I haven't seen her since that day in your room. I know she comes home sometimes though. We both avoid each other. I don't like seeing her so fragile, she used to be so strong.

Dad is always out, but I don't know what he does. Maybe he's finding a new job or something. He's still home more then Mom though and he actually talks to me too.

He also is starting to look like he did before you left. He gained quite a bit of weight and there is a sparkly glint in his eye. He smiles a lot too. Sometimes he comes home drunk, which is something I never expected him to do.

"You know Nicolas," He drawled one night. "That little fight you put up against your mother? It was impressive." He held a bottle of alcohol in one hand and was lying on the couch, a silly grin on his face. "I never expected that from you."

I was sitting on the carpet near the sofa, watching him with unease but interest. I've never seen my Dad act like this before.

"Thanks Dad."

Dad nodded. "But son. You shouldn't defend me against her." His words were slurred and messy, and he started laughing. "Man, I'm so stupid." He was in hysterics, tears coming out of his eyes.

I wasn't sure if they were of joy or sadness.

"Dad stop it." I told him sternly, still looking at him like he was a foreign creature. He was shaking with laughter. The dim glow of our living room lights gave him a scary type of smolder. His words confused me but I was too sad and tired because of Breeze to find out what he meant by whatever he was saying.

Meanwhile, I spend a lot of time in your room Stanley. I try to think of why you became so cruel near the end of your disappearance. I try to think if you have anything to hide. I know my memories must be telling me something - I just don't know what yet.

I also visit the waterfall a lot, seeing as I have nothing else to do. Sometimes I like to sit there and let my mind go blank. It feels good being numbed from the pain, numb from the pain of Breeze and you.

I've gotten more snippets of memories with you. They've all been bad though, things like you screaming or yelling at me, things like you hitting me, things like you asking me to cover for you while you sneaked out of the house. All these memories were relatively new, not like the good memories.

I know I need to find out what was happening to you before you left, Stanley, but I can't find any clue. I don't know where to go, who to ask. I don't even know any of your friends because you never talked about them and I never saw you hang out with them.

And I can't find anything in your room.

Sometimes, I feel so lonely that I consider packing my bags and running away. I feel that a lot lately, this itch to leave, to find you. After I went into your room that time and got reminded of your obsession with cities, I feel like I need to go to one. A real one.

Sometimes I look at the waterfall and walk very close to the edge, remembering the time you almost pushed me in. This dark cloud hangs over my head and I think of what would happen if I jump in. The dark cloud almost makes me do it.

But I never do.

I need to find you first Stanley.

Then maybe I will.