dear letters

just because we are drowning in more water dosent mean were ues to the feeling.

Dear 'friend' 

Today i played it  cool, I put on the mask that i thought you of all people wouldn't beg me to wear. You came back with answerless questions that played on my mind but i was just  glade to have you back because your crapy joke's normalized each battle who knew you would just create more..

Today i pretended to be okay just so You wouldn't leave. You just came back to tell us your going to disappear again and through this hell and inconvenience you refused to give straight answers or valid reasons. Whats wrong i asked. Of course with everything i didn't need more stress and problems but you see your my friend and i put you first yet how can your problems be me.

Today you told me you left because i tried to kill myself

Today you told me You left because i was in pain. 

Today you told me you left because me and somone else you claimed to love was in pain and needed you and our struggles were so hard for you.

I am not okay,we are not okay but today i told you everything was fine i let you tell me that it was to hard for YOU that we were drowning and thought that we wouldnt have to lie to your face about it and pretend we could swim..And god damit i apologised to you,i apologised that you left us.

So now im going to tell you how i really feel.  We are going through so much right now and we made it clear to that you didn't need to have the answers all you needed to do was treat us like your friend because thats what you told us you were..right?  So how dare you pretend that our suffering is to much for you. You couldn't bare to watch us suffer or some bullshit like that yet you leave us as more of our friends leave not because you its hard for you to deal with but because you dont want to be associated with those 2 people.

And now today you are telling me your leaving me again because  i have a illness. you think its hard well let me tell you what it means for me,

My mental illness means my school refuses to put me in the higher classes despite my intelligence. My school tells me because of my mental illness i cant attend university. It means ive lost family members trust,it means people dont trust me.

My lung disease means when you have children and a family and a happy life i could possibly be dying. 

For you if your going to a past home it means nostalgia for me it means reliving the trauma of the deaths ,acidents and reliving the memories of the person i loved the most to only be taunted at the fact that i can't see him ever again.

Your home is a place you cant wait to go after along day but for me it only means Fear for my and my siblings safety 

You love your parents they keep you safe and for me..I constantly worry that one day they wont come home when i am sat looking out the window because they promised no later that 10 but its now 3 am or that i can't look after all of us because i still have hope that i can go to university and get a degree. Or that because of their BPD that snap at me again for being pansexual or lock me in a basement kick me out the house even.

Even simple things like being forced to go into the the girls changing rooms and being misgendered on the daily is somthing you will never have to deal with. I'm not saying that theres no chance you arent going through somthing but don't leave me  with to help them and think I'll be fine because I'm ues to dealing with a million problems what more. 

You  many think I'm being a dramatic ass here but let me tell you this i am ues to leaving people and if people push me away i will no longer chase them to get them back i exsept them leaving so me writing you this means as a friend i care about you. 

So I'm here to tell you,you need to decide to stay or go.

sincerely me.