Dear Stanley [Watty's 2019. Completed]

Living the nightmares

Tuesday, June 15th

Dear Stanley,

The nightmares have come back. I forgot all about them but they are coming back. But this time it's different. I don't get them when I am sleeping. I get them during the day, random flashes that seem to be telling me something.

I am healing well from the damage Ashley caused me. We pass each other in the halls, but he always avoids my eye. I think he knows that I know about the drugs. I think he's scared of me. Sometimes he does send me glares though, when he's with his friends and they point at me, expecting him to react.

People have started treating Breeze as a nobody as well. Before when she was with me, they used to think she'd eventually get over it. But now that she's separated from me and gotten back, they've given up trying to get her affection. Sometimes, they push her and tease her and mock her, but Breeze is strong. She always fights for herself and tell me not to fight for her. Although I really want to.

Dad is becoming weird. He's begun reciting to me quotes about love, random quotes, and he's always going out dressed wearing a suit and tie. I don't think he has a job because of his fights with Mom, so I am not sure where he goes all dressed up nicely. I try not to dwell on it to much though Stanley. And Mom is just normal. Sometimes she looks at me for a long moment if we run into each other. Sometimes she ignores me. Sometimes she insults me. It's all random. She stays out most of the day and comes home late at night. I always wait for her to come home before I go sneak out to meet Breeze by the waterfall.

These midnight waterfall meetups have become a daily occurrence.

I've just continued to get memories on you. Some of them good, from a couple years back, and some bad recent ones. Each one adds more sadness in me.

I remember you pushing me down once and calling me a pussy and wuss, I remember you making fun of me. It's all so confusing, it's messing with my head.

I remember you coming home like you were in a different world. I remember you coming home and smelling weird. I remember you telling me I was the best brother ever. I remember you telling me that you hated me.

I wonder if I wasn't so infatuated with you all the time and instead paid attention to you, maybe then you would still be with me. Maybe I could've fixed you.

But I know it is not possible for me to fix everyone. I can't throw my own self away to make someone else happy. Breeze taught me that. She's been helping me grow and I help her grow. She unfortunately still gets her moods, which means I didn't cure her of them.

But it's okay because she's only human. I need to learn that it will be impossible to heal her from the scars.

We also talk about you a lot. She asked me one time what you were like - what memories I have of you.

I told her all the memories I've seen happen vividly after you left. I think of the letters I write to you and consider showing them to her, but I won't show anyone those. No one except you.

"Breeze. My brother was the best. He used to be my hero, my everything." I told her. "I wanted to be just like him. I wanted to be as funny and charismatic as he was."

Breeze smiled. "Then what happened?" She was leaning against me and tracing her fingers lazily up my arm. We had a flashlight between us, illuminating the woods around us. The night sky seemed to be humid, a sign of summer coming. It was quiet and everything was holding their breath.

"I -I don't know if he was the hero I thought he was." I whispered. "I mean, he used to take drugs. I don't know when it all started. Sometimes I think I'm making it all up and my mind is playing tricks on me. What if my brother was a monster? What if I'm just making him seem so good because he's gone and I feel guilty?" I'm sorry Stanley, but it's true. What if you were a monster?

Breeze hugged me and wiped my tears. I didn't realize I was crying. "Don't say that Nicolas. Why would you feel guilty?"

I shrugged. "I don't know, Breeze. The most logical explanation of why I'm feeling guilty is because I think it's my fault that I didn't pay more attention to him and that's why he was an addict and he left. But there's something else... something that's nagging in the back of my mind. Recently, I've been getting these strong...flashes of something. I think it's flashes of this nightmare I used to have, except it's taking on a realistic form. I don't know what I'm trying to remember though and it's all so confusing." I sobbed, holding my head in my hands. 

"Nicolas. Nothing is your fault. If anything, it's your parents fault and Stanley's fault. It's your parents job to watch out for him and his job to stay away from harmful things." She stroked my head. "Don't feel guilty."

She held me like that for some time. I wanted to believe her Stanley. But there was definitely more to it then that. I don't even know why you left. At first I thought it's because the town we lived in was too small for you, but now I feel like it's just an excuse.

I feel like I'm lying to myself. Stanley, what am I hiding?

Instead I smile and nodded. "Thanks Breeze."

She kissed the top of my head. "Anytime Nic."

I loved her at that moment. I loved her so much. She would always be there for me. I knew it. I kissed her flashlight-lit face. Trying to drown myself in her beauty, in her long black hair, in her chocolate skin, in her sweet gaze. I wanted her to engulf me and smother me and kill me.