the inner workings of a teenage loner

day 1

The more I think about it, the more I hate it. I just wish I could go back in time in change everything I ever went through to be completely honest...
I wouldn't have said yes durring that stupid 9th grade homecoming.
I would have punched you the first time it happened, I wouldn't have let you talk me into anything. I would have been stronger, I would have just hung up when you called me screaming.
I wouldn't have had to shut myself off for years, or convinced myself I wasn't to be loved. I would have been able to trust people easier... I wouldn't have driven her away...
She wouldnt feel so held back by me, she would have been able to do what she wanted... I held her back didn't I? I loved her so much, and it hurts me to say that... It's the first time I've said loved instead of love since it happened.
I don't know what to do other than shut myself off and be done... Why is it that every relationship ends in heart break and that ever time I try I get shut down again?
There's something wrong with me. I know there is, I don't know what it is but it's something with me
Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just be normal enough for a second so that someone could love me without a catch. I just want to be normal, for a day. To see what it's like I just wish I could forget about you and just be your friend like you want, but it's so damn hard.
I could just be saying shit to the moon, knowing nothing will change. But I hope it will. I really do. Ill hope you'll come back and I'll hope I could hug you and hold you and kiss you again, I wanna hear you laugh again I wanna tell that I love you and I want to hear it back again. But I can't... Your gone, and it's my fault...

Anyway, who cares at this point? I shouldn't...
End of entry I guess