Feigning

Prologue

“Maybe you’re just afraid to show what you really are. And your feelings for her, maybe it’s just the product of your pretentious nature.  Think about it. You’re always unsure of your feelings, and even your decisions. Maybe it’s just yourself trying to cover up what’s really brewing up inside of you.”

From: Marcy, 5/24/2014, 12:06:40

I was dumbstruck, like waking up from an unexplainable dream. An epiphany came knocking on my eyelids. When I opened them, I could clearly see myself.

 “Oh well,” I thought to myself, my eyes squinting to the light from my cellphone screen. I don’t usually stay up texting  but Marcy has been very chatty since they got back to Manila two days ago.

Throughout our conversation, I would reply immediately or 5 minutes later, never in between. I couldn’t help it. I was rather calmed or upset about my self-realization because someone that I’ve known for just 7 days shoved it to my face hard, but at least, virtually.

As days and days passed, Marcy and I began to drift apart until the point that Marcy stopped sending morning greetings. I rarely sent morning greetings right after the invention of Wi-Fi. There was no need to address your morning social media routine individually to your friends/acquaintances on your phone through sms. You can just post a status in Facebook, an update in Twitter or worse, post a selfie in Instagram.

I could say that Marcy is one of the girls who mostly posts selfies. Actually, she just loves to have her pictures taken. During our summer vacation on the beach, she would grab me by my arm and drag me to the most picturesque corner of the site. Then, I would very submissively snap her photo in the most creative way and, most importantly, worthy to be a Facebook profile picture.

From time to time, honestly, I take pictures of myself too, but only when I think I looked good, and that means rarely. I’m not bad looking though. It’s just that, I deem myself low and behind other people. I’m awesome when I’m alone but otherwise when in the middle of a crowd. I don’t know how to spark or maintain a conversation or even end one.(Most of the time, I forget to breathe just to maintain my composure.) I am always holding myself back whenever I’m with other people, not to be proper and polite, but because there’s just this hole inside of me that pulls me in deep. This is the cancer to my attitude, a subconscious habit that I grew up with. This is one of the reasons why I was very anxious about having feelings for Katherine, Marcy’s bestfriend. She’s very pretty and hot. I loved the way she talked and laughed but most especially, I loved the fact that we share some interests, and still liked everything in her that I am not. She’s not the type that has to be told to shut up but she sure is very well in conversations, yet would rarely initiate. The only thing that I don’t like about her is her make-up.

Confused is actually the best word to describe my feelings. Marcy’s right. But pretentious? That’s way overboard. I wasn’t pretending when I held Katherine’s hand back in the movie theater. I was actually having butterflies in my stomach. When we hit the crowded dance floor in the club that one summer night, I just wanted to hold her tight, her back leaning against me, hoping her sister and Marcy wouldn’t see us. And when we got back first to the hotel room, all I wanted to do was to kiss her passionately. If only I wasn’t scared and inexperienced, those imaginations would have been realized.

Five months have passed, and also Katherine’s birthday. I have told her that I will fly to her town to attend her celebration, but I wasn’t able to. I didn’t send her a greeting either. It’s just the thing that I do. If I haven’t kept in touch with you, or talked to you for at least a month, I never talk to you again (unless something very important comes up). How much more to a person that I’ve only known for five months? By this time, I have no more special affection to Katherine or Marcy. They’re now just people that I knew, but the the room for friendship is still open.