mania is... scary to me. it feels so close but i want it to be so far in a sense.
my care for everything just disappears so quickly as my mind spurs deeper and deeper into madness. insanity. impulsiveness beyond control.
in essence, i do fucked shit. the only concern i have is for me and myself only. not to mention i also spend ridiculous amount of money when i'm manic; i call it self care when in actuality i'm not taking care of my cleanliness of basic needs like showering and eating. showering is a chore and is a waste of time, eating is out of the way or my meds make me so nauseous that i can't eat.
and the worst part is how i treat others. fuck, i'm such a caring person at any other point other than when i have mania- i'm not myself when i'm manic. and i hate that so much.
i just want to be normal, be happy, without it being toxic. and it sucks. cause i can't achieve that.
YOU ARE READING
thoughts of vulnerability
Randomthe thoughts of my mind as a seventeen year old who has a long journey coming with mental illness
