The Diary Of The Weak: My Journal

12:42-1:28 #23

Is it wrong that I want to be able to see my bones? Is it wrong that I want to end it all? Is it wrong that if I ever did commit suicide, I already planned how I would die?

I'm at the lowest point I have ever been in my life. Tears are actually welling in my eyes as I type this. I feel so broken and alone. Now the tears are spilling out of my eyes and sliding down my cheeks. I's okay though, I'm used too it.

My scars are fading and I need to have fresh cuts. I'm dying to drag that knife across my wrist and watch the blood drip down my arm. I need it. The bad thing is, is that I'm trying my hardest to recover and I just can't. I'm broken and I can't be fixed. I want to die.

I'm just so tired of everything. I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of being called the "emo girl" everyday at school. I'm tired of worrying that someone is going to see my scars. I'm tired of being alive.

I just wish I could go back to when everything was simple. I miss when all I had to worry about was what princess outfit I was going to wear that day. And do you want to know what I wish my life was like?

I would live in San Diego and I would go to the beach every day. I would have long black hair that would grow to my lower back and no further. I would have the most wonderful best friend I've ever had. She would have blonde hair that looked white. She would be somewhat tan and would have the most beautiful blue eyes anyone has ever seen. I would have an amazing boyfriend who supported me on everything. He would be tall, skinny, and cute. He would have hair like Harry Styles and be pale. I would love him more than anything in the world. I would live in a perfect house. My father would have two arms. He would work and have time to see me. My mother wouldn't do drugs and have a nice paying job. I would have the perfect body. I would have published a book by then. I would be the most beautiful girl anyone has ever seen.

But I can't have that life. We don't have enough money to move to San Diego. I can't dye my hair because we don't ever have enough money for that. No one wants to be my best friend. No boy that perfect would EVER want to be with me. I have no money for my dream house. My father will never have a job nor his arm back. My mother will always have a drug problem and she will never be able to keep a job. I'm not fit and I don't think I ever will be and I'm not a professional author. I will never in my life be known as a beautiful girl.

I just need a break from everyone. I need to be alone and be okay. I need to recover and not be depressed. I just need to be okay.

I'm going to go try to sleep. Bye.