The Complete Mess // L.H

Part 6

Jamie's pov.

Luke's fingers were tracing patterns through my hair as I cried into his chest.

"Shhhh" he soothed quietly as my sobs were quieting down.

"I'm sorry" I said to him as I was probably annoying him by crying all over him. I say up wiping the water from beneath my eyes and moving to get up.

"Why an earth are you saying sorry" he asked confused and looking at me sternly.

He gently pulled me back to him.

"Well I'm bothering you, I'm being stupid by crying and you having to deal with it" I said

"I told you before, don't even think about being sorry. This is not your fault and I am going to help you deal with it whether you want me to or not. I'm here for you okay? you don't know how sorry I am for leaving you behind, we all are, we regretted it as soon as we left but there was nothing we could do about it."

In response to Luke's little ramble I just looked at up at him in awe. he truly made me want to believe that he cared. I was stuck in the middle of letting my guards down or building them up again.

I so wanted to let somebody in but I was too scared that once I gave in they would ruin me. It's better to have your guards up than down, it prevents you from getting hurt.

But right now I was in a weak state and had no idea what overcame me.

I stupidly leant closer to Luke's face ghosting my lips over his gently. His blue eyes met mine as he looked at me in shock.

"Jamie" he whispered barely audible.

"Luke" I whispered back at the same level.

His hands came up to the back of my head pulling it down to his so our foreheads were touching.

One hand came to my chin tilting it to the side so he could put his lips to mine.

I pulled away a second later, starting to freak out. Why did I do that? I've just ruined everything, he will never talk to me again. He's probably laughing at me in his head thinking I'm so weak and pathetic.

"What's wrong?" He asked confused

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that, you can leave now" I said avoiding eye contact with him.

"What the hell Jamie? You can't just do that!" He said frustrated

"I'm sorry. It was a mistake, I've messed everything up, y-you Gould probably go." I said trying my best to be blunt towards him.

"Jamie seriously what-"

"Just go Luke, leave me alone, I don't want you near me" I snapped

"Fine. suit yourself." he huffed angrily, turning away.

"Wait luke" I said quietly, I didn't think that he heard me.

"Yeah?" He said hopefully turning around.

"Don't mention anything about the - thing to the boys okay." I said

He didn't respond, he just turned around and walked to the other end of the tour bus.

I always had to do this. Snap at people so they left me alone.

But once I was left alone I regretted it. I didn't want to be lonely my whole life, I didn't want to be like this, messed up and alone.

I wanted somebody, anybody who could love me.

It's long as they were nice and I could trust them, then I didn't care who they were.

But that's the thing, I can't trust people, you can't trust anyone but yourself, sometimes you can't even do that.

Everything happens for a reason. my reason must be that someones trying to tell me that all I'm worthy of is bad luck and negativity. It's like it's someone's way of showing me that there's more in store for me and maybe, just maybe I should think whether I want to carry on.

But then it would be showing just how weak I really am if I gave in and took the easy way out.

Nothing's ever easy.

Well, not for me.

Why couldn't things just be simple for me? Why did my feelings always make an appearance? I hate feelings.

Mine only consisted of anger, sadness and darkness.

I was the complete opposite to Luke and the boys.

They were happy, excited and bright.

They didn't need me here to bring them down.

Darkness against light always wins.

Even if it is one against four.

A/N: this is shockingly bad but it's an update, im probably going to carry this fic on but updates will not be that frequent.