Overthinking Hurts

Suicide Letter For Mom

Mami,

I've hated you so much for most of my life. If you're job was to make my life a living hell, you'd be getting paid real good. But you...aren't? So then what is your job? What the fuck are you doing with me? Is this what you wanted to happen? Huh? Seeing your little baby grow up to be a monster? You've made me what I am today. This is all your fault. Yeah, i loved you once. So much for loving you. You're the person who has hurted me the most. Why have you done this? What have i done to deserve this? There has been billions of times where i've wished to have a different mother..father..family in general. Do you know that? Do you know how much it hurts to be having thoughts like those? FUCK YOU FOR PUTTING SHIT LIKE THAT IN MY HEAD. You know it feels so good to be letting out stuff like this...I've tried to self-harm before but never dared to fully succeed. I've thought about doing drugs to relief my pain. To this day i've never done self-harm or drugs in my life. I'm not exactly sure why...maybe because i don't think i'd like to see myself that weak. Because of you. Mommy i'm not blaming you for everything..i also got shit on dad. Not that you guys have been bad parents oh no nothing like that.. But i could of had more freedom. FREEDOM. I just wanted to be free. I would promise not to go out and not do anything crazy but no..i was always home. And being home comitting this..while writing this letter is the craziest i've done. Mommy i know this will hurt you 100000x more than it will me. It will maybe make me like 50% happy seeing you hurt, but i'll be hurt at the same time seeing you suffer. You deserve to suffer. Yeah, i've been ignorant. But i get it from you, i've got everything from you. And i HATE MYSELF. So that makes me hate you. At first i thought me and you were very distinct from each other but every fucking day i've realized we are just like each other. And that broke me. I couldn't stand knowing i was an exact replica of you. I told Cynthia i'll be seeing jesus tonight...but me and you both know i'll be in hell. And i'll be expecting you there, not happy to see you, but happy to see how you've ended up. Goodbye forever, i love you mommy.