Late-night Rambles

Fear

Fear has controlled a majority of my life.

 I don't know how to battle it.

 I don't know how to overcome it.

It controls me, And my fear only grows more powerful as I age.

This isn't as simple as a phobia... It feels bigger... like a constant presence, ruining my life one failed opportunity at a time.

I fear embarrassment.  

We all feel it from time to time... but it just crushes me when I mess up.    Things as simple as stumbling over my words make me want to run away and hide.    

I cannot perform in front of my family or friends in case I make a mistake.     

I can't even sing for fun anymore because I don't want to mess up in front of anyone.              

This is one of my Demons.

I fear that I'll never be good enough. 

My father is a genius. My mother has opened two successful businesses.  My 2 older sisters are both award-winning performers and teachers. My 2 older brothers have already gotten far in their respective professions. My younger sister can sit and write a novel in a day and compose an amazing piano piece in a week. My younger brother is already a better athlete than I ever was or will be.

I'm about to be 18. 

How can I hope to live up to their achievements?

This is one of my Demons. 

The biggest fear has always been: The fear that no one would choose to be my friend.

I have been told that this fear is irrational because I do have friends.

But I have been, and most likely continue, to be afraid that people are only my friends because they pity me.  They think I'm a loser that has no friends. So they decide to befriend me so I won't be alone forever.   Or that maybe they only became friends with me because they were friends with one of my siblings.

I have a constant paranoia that has been proven wrong many times.

But I still feel it.

This is one of my Demons.